The JoePa Chronicles: JoePa Writes Another Programming Note

HELLO AGAIN INTERNET, THIS IS MR. PATERNO, THANK YOU

 THAT NO-GOOD LAZY SPANIARD OOPS POW SURPRISE HAS ASKED ME TO WRITE TO YOU ABOUT HIS GOINGS-ON ELSEWHERE

 HE SAID HE WOULD DO THIS HIMSELF, BUT HE CAN'T ON ACCOUNT OF TOO MUCH WORK BEFORE HIM AFTER A LONG WEEKEND

 I DID NOT KNOW SELF-ABUSE WHILE WATCHING THE WIGGLES WAS NOW REFERRED TO AS WORK

Hey!

 WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS, IF YOU HAVE TIME TO PROTEST, YOU HAVE TIME TO WRITE A POST

 Just write the thing and I'll let you have your scotch and ginger ale.

 MINE MINE MINE

 IT IS TIME TO GET STARTED. FIRST OF ALL THIS IDIOT SON OF MINE

 Hello!

 HAS BEEN BLOBBING ON A "WEBSITE" FOR BAROCK O'BOMBER. AS YOU CAN TELL I DO NOT TRUST ANYONE WITH A NAME SO REMINISCENT OF THE IRA AND OTHER DRUNKEN MISCREANTS

 AS A REPUBLICAN, THOUGH, I FEEL SECURE IN MY POLITICAL STANCE

 IF ANTHONY MORELLI IS ANY INDICATION OF MY SON'S POWERS, O'BOMBER WILL LOSE THE ELECTION BY 10 POINTS AND GO TO THE CFL

 Yes we can! Yes we can!

 YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING

 NEXT WE HAVE THE ISSUE OF A GREG SCHIANO, WITH WHOM I HAVE SPOKEN EXTENSIVELY, RECRUITING LIKE THE GANG BUSTERS IN NEW JERSEY

 I TOOK A TRIP TO NEW JERSEY RECENTLY

 IT WAS FULL OF TROLLS, MONSTERS, AND THE QUESTIONABLY ETHNIC

 THE ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

 Wildcats.

 SILENCE YOU GRINGO

 Do you even know what that means? You don't, do you?

 MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE

 I didn't say yo

 THANK YOU

 ...

 THE ARIZONA RATTLESNAKES WILL BE TAKING THEIR PLAYERS TO AN ARMY BASE IN THE DESERT FOR A PERIOD OF FOUR DAYS THIS SUMMER TO WORK WITH SOME REAL AMERICANS

 I ONCE SPENT A YEAR ON AN ARMY BASE WITH GENERAL GEORGE PATTON. HE HAD A SAYING I WAS QUITE FOND OF

 Oh, you mean "An army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of bullshit."?

 WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

 NO

 I AM REFERRING TO "FETCH ME A HOOKER WHILE I STUFF THIS ORPHAN FULL OF NUKES"

 That doesn't even make

 I SAID SILENCE YOU OVERGROWN IRISHMAN

 I am not a filthy Ir

 THEN WHOOPS BAM UNANNOUNCED POSTED A YOUTUBE OF MEN BEING FLATTENED

 THIS I ACTUALLY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH

 DID YOU KNOW VIRGINIA TECH WILL BE UNIFORMLY AWFUL ON OFFENSE THIS YEAR

 THIS IS ALL KARMIC RETRIBUTION FOR STEALING KEVIN JONES FROM US

 What's up with you and Karma? Doesn't that seem a little... Eastern for your tastes?

 ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOUR POLISH MOUTH AND I WILL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT WITH AN ANGERED BADGER

 That doesn't seem

 EN GARDE, FAT MAN

 Yeep!

 FINALLY, PEACE AND QUIET IN THE BLACK HEART GOLD PANTALOONS

 GOOD CHRIST YOU SPANIARD, HOW MANY AOL ARTICLES DID YOU WRITE LAST WEEK

 SECRETARY, FIND THAT DRUNK MISCREANT AND MAKE HIM ANSWER ME

He's hiding. He said you threatened him with a vicious land animal and he doesn't have health insurance.

 HE IS JUST TIMID ENOUGH TO PLAY QUARTERBACK

New recruit!

 I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE TO DISCUSS EVERYTHING THIS RETARD WROTE

 IT IS TIME FOR THE JOEPA MEMORIAL LIGHTNING ROUND

 Memorial?

 BRAAAAAIIIIINSSSS

 Aaaaaaaiiiiigh!!!

 LET US SEE, WE HAVE A MICHIGAN MAN BLOWING A HEROIC .281 ON A DUI, WHICH SCARCELY BEATS OUT WHAT BOBBY ENGRAM AND I ACCOMPLISHED. ALSO THERE IS OKLAHOMA AND OKLAHOMA STATE RUNNING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF IRISH IN THE SNOW. THE SEC WANTS THEIR OWN BUILDING IN BIRMINGHAM, AND I WILL BET YOU FIFTY BUFFALO NICKELS IT WILL BE A TRAILER. A YOUNG MAN AT LOUISVILLE WAS SHOT IN THE BACK, WHICH IS A COWARDLY WAY TO ATTACK AN ENEMY. MUSKETS AT DAWN, THAT IS THE JOE PATERNO WAY. THE MIAMI HURRICANE FANS WILL STILL DRINK, BECAUSE WHAT OTHER WAY TO COME DOWN FROM SEVENTY-SEVEN STRAIGHT HOURS OF COCAINE AND SEX WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS

 OH, AND MAC FACTS

 ANOTHER UNLISTED MAC FACT

 WHILE THEY WERE NOT LOOKING, I COMMANDED MY ARMY OF DOZENS TO TAKE THEIR CAMPUSES

 YOU MAY NOW REFER TO OHIO UNIVERSITY, THE UNIVERSITY OF TOLEDO, AND BOWLING GREEN AS MR. PATERNO'S MINIONS OF TERROR

 So this means you have to coach 3 new teams, and they're all in the MAC? That hardly seems like that was a good decision.

 WELL

 GOD DAMN IT

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