Coach Lickliter, thank you for agreeing to meet with me... even though I live in 200 miles away from you and the fact that I didn't actually  secure an interview of any form with you.

Thank you for conducting this fake interview.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you. I mean, you're welcome. Er... thank you??

(Pause)

So last season went pretty well, huh?

[long look, then puts head in his hands]

Nah, I'm just messing with you. Last year really sucked. I mean, I tried to be optimistic throughout the season, but we were bad... like LA Clippers during the 80's and 90's bad. We even lost our own tournament we set up in order for us to win a preseason tournament. Shouldn't be a problem, though, because I saw you took it into your own hands that we'll never lose the Challenge again, as you got rid of it completely.

Yeah, the Hawkeye Challenge had too much Hawkeye in it. However, I thought our team played through a lot of adversity. Tony's early injury, then Jarryd gets nicked for the season. All in all I thought our guys gave it their all. I'd still like to see them play a different style, a certain way if you will.

What way would that be?

The Butler Way.

The what way?

The Butler Way.

Ooooh Kaaaay. So you want Iowa Hawkeye basketball players to play as if they were playing for a completely different team?

Precisely. If I can get everyone to play just like Butler does, we are going to go places. I can see it already. Anthony Tucker will be Mike Green. In fact, I have already told Anthony that he will be wearing #10. Devan Bawinkle gets to play A.J. Graves. Um, let's see, oh, Matt Gatens will be known as Pete Campbell. I have everyone picked out. It's going to be great.

Well, one player you won't have on your team this year is Tony Freeman. Sounds like he sort of threw a little tamper tantrum on the way out of your meeting. I'm sure with your past record, you'll be more than willing to comment on what transpired in your office during his year end interview.

Pusth.

Pardon me?

Pusth.

Can't help but notice you acquired a lisp... and did you just curse at me?  I'm confused.

Pusth. That's the Butler Way. Passion. Unity. Servanthood. Thankfulness. Humility. Pusth.

Oh... Right... Back to the Butler Way thing again. Good on ya.

You see Tony wasn't big on pusth. I can't have guys on my team who don't love pusth. You gotta want the pusth. If you don't buy into the pusth, then you need to leave right now.

Couldn't agree more.

Butler Way!

Hi Joel. Glad to hear from you. Now get back to recruiting.

Will do. I'm just heading back to the great state of Indiana to look at some future Bulldo- I mean, Hawkeyes. Can't wait to get back there. Good ol' Indiana. What a magnificent state. Better swing by ol' Hinkle Fieldhou...

Have fun, Joel. Coach Lickliter, of the six new players you are bringing in, who are you really excited to see in Black and Gold?

What? Who am I excited to see in BLACK and GOLD??? Why would I be excited to see a Boilermaker suit up? I mean, at Butler, both Purdue and Indiana always got the better recruits and got all the spotlight. I don't think I am excited to see anyone suit up for Matt Painter and those stinkin' Boilermakers in their stupid Black and Gold uniforms.

I was referring to Iowa.

[Looks Up]

The team you coach right now.

Right, right. I was just testing you. Oh man, I gotta keep my cool here. I can't disgrace the likes of the revered, Sir Tony Hinkle. Gotta stay focused, Butler Way. Butler Way.

Loras Way!

Quiet, Chad.

LOLOLOL!!11! Sorry, boss. Just kidding. Do you like my new hat? It says Butler on it, and it's 100% all-natural and also it breathes well and also it's made out of American flags and also Butler...

...

...Well, off to Minnesota to go offer a bunch of obscure talents that no one has ever heard of. Woot! Woot!

Go get 'em! And remember there is no "I" in Butler!!

But there is an "I" in Iowa.

Crap.

Yeah.

Hmmmmmm.... (cricket chirping)

So when will it ever be The Iowa Way?

[Laughing] Oh, for a second there, I thought you were asking a serious question. Oh man, good times! [Laugh turns to a guffaw.]

J.R. Angle. He's seriously not going to suit up next year, right? I mean, have you followed his latest escapades?

DAWG POUND!

Ok, that's all I can stand, I'm going to have to end this fake interview. Thanks for the swag you brought me. I would have preferred some Hawkeye gear, but blue does happen to be one of my favorite colors.