I Think We Can Talk About Riley Reiff Now

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Way too white to be a "character liability" out of high school, right? Um, about that....

Lost among the unpleasantness of last week (and the mind-rattling willpower it's taking not to continue down that road) was the case of one Riley Reiff, an incoming defensive end. The Plankton from Yankton, they call him.* While on campus the weekend before last, Mr. Reiff found himself in the alleyway behind the Pita Pit downtown. Did we mention it was after 2:00 a.m. and he was hammered drunk? Because that helps explain everything that happened thereafter. I mean, it ties it all together beautifully.

Police arrived to find the Yankton Doodle Dandy in some stage of undress or another, mistaking the dark alleyway for his bedroom or something. While reports stated he was half-naked, we're just going to assume that the top half had come off, since 1) he wasn't charged with indecency or anything, and 2) ew.

We'd like to say Reiff did what everybody does in that situation, but never in the history of history has anyone been able to claim "getting arrested half-naked behind Pita Pit" as a facebook status, so he improvised. And by that we mean he ran.

Giddyup.

The ensuing chase took the party through the Pita Pit, where overturned trays caused literally billions of dollars in damage,** and eventually to the streets of Iowa City. From there, according to reports, the sartorially liberated freshmen led eight officers on a 20-minute jaunt through town. We're not sure where Reiff ran or where he was running to; if the ICPD wasn't a bunch of jagoffs, they'd provide us with an interactive map as well as markers for people to relive the experience themselves. This is tourism gold, Iowa City, and you're throwing it all away!

Reiff got booked on public intoxication and interference with official acts. He refused a Breathalyzer test, which is a crime of robbery unto itself. The victims? You. Me. America. We all want to know "how drunk do you have to get*** before any of that becomes a viable option," and Reiff let us all down. For shame, sir. For shame.

In case you were curious, since Reiff's not enrolled at the UI quite yet, the Hawkeyes received no points in the Fulmer Cup and have maintained quite the quiet offseason on that front. It's just too bad the team's "full of felons" or whatever. Terrible shame.

Oh, and Mr. Reiff? Our sincerest applause. We don't care how disturbed Bloodpuch says he is. The BHGP official motto**** is "If you must fuck up, fuck up con gusto," and nothing says gusto like taking off your clothes and running from the punk po-lice for 20 minutes. Shoot for a half-hour next time, though. 20 minutes is barely enough time to make a difference in conditioning.

*this is categorically false, but nothing else rhymes with Yankton.
**that actually might have been floodwaters, but police aren't ruling anything out.
***we're probably way past "six pack of Hamm's" on that sliding scale, but some numbers would have been nice.
****as of now, anyway.

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