Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Err, gentlemen. I'm literally the only woman here.
And please do not hit on me. Sportswriters are absolutely disgusting.
Anyway, I'm Mr. Paterno's secretary. He should be out here in a minute to talk for a little bit and talk about this exciting season of Penn State football. Can I get a cheer from you Nittany Lions fans out there? Let's hear it! WE ARE!
(from the back of the room) I-O!
(everyone else) HAHAHAHAHAHA
Screw you guys. Anything else before we get started?
Is this going to be as incoherent as last year? And the last 30 years?
Oh, worse. It's going to be a horror show. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Paterno!