ITEM! What all-conference linebacker and NASCAR enthusiast said the following?

I named my penis "The Intimidator," and I named my balls "Dale Jr.," "Dale Jr.," and "Dale Jr."

ITEM! Which security staffer is seriously harshin' the Bobert's mellow? ANSWER: All of 'em.

ITEM! The media is scared to report on the fact that a certain coach's pants have been missing since 11:30 today and he sort of humped the podium a bit. The media's also scared to report that B. HUSSEIN Osama is a secret Muslim and the only reason he's going to Iraq is to surrender to his overlords!!!

ITEM! What team's captain, when asked to describe his perfect bowl game, said, "A 300 while I get head from my coach's daughter"?

ITEM! Who farted? LOLMAO!!

ITEM! How come insurance didn't cover it when I accidentally burned down my houseboat, AKA the U.S.S. Boberprise, after a tragic barbecue accident? Sure, I was 17 months behind on payments, but as long as I never opened the cancellation notice, I don't think it was ever valid.

ITEM! What running back just said he was looking forward to "toting the rock"? It says right here that "rock" is slang for crack cocaine!

ITEM! Guess who's going over to the Illinois table to score a juicy interview??? ANSWER: ME!!!!!

ITEM! This is going to be so cool. He doesn't know I'm here.

ITEM! What reigning Big Ten coach of the year won't acknowledge his brother Bobert?