Big Ten Media Day "Liveblog": Rich Rodriguez Press Conference

   If you have not paid
Attention to the sports news
I am not Lloyd Carr

You can call me Rich
My name is Rich Rodriguez
I coach the football

I have come today
To Chicago Illinois
To answer questions

   Coach Rodriguez, who will be your starting quarterback?

  Steven Threet will start
The season behind center
Until Pat White defects

  Coach, you have one starter returning on offense, your quarterback has never taken a snap in a college game, and you're installing a completely different offensive system.  Is there any chance your team will actually put some points on the board this year?

  Until Pat White defects
I imagine we will run
The Wing T offense

Am I the only one
Who feels a bit of a draft?
Get my leather coat

  Rich, how have you adjusted to life at Michigan?

  Before Michigan
I never owned a necktie
I had to buy one

I called my dad and
Told him I never learned how
To tie a necktie

He told me to cross
The big side over the small
Then under, over

Then under again
Then up through the little hole
Then down to my belt

  Sir, if I might interje...

  I miss the mountains
Where nobody cared if I
Wore a turtleneck

Also it is cold
And there are unemployed folks
Asking me for change

I gave all my cash
To West Virginia so they
Would not sue my ass

  What about your defense, Rich?

  Thank God we have guys
Who want to play on defense
we might win two games

   Uh, coach Rodriguez?

  Hey, aren't you Ron Zook?
You look exactly like a
Bizarro Ron Zook

  Um, actually, I'm Bob Zook, Black Heart Gold Pants.  Coach, why are you speaking in haiku?

  Like ninja football
Haiku is a beautiful
Japanese art form

(sniffs, cringes)

Hey, who crapped their pants?
It must be someone closeby
Probably Barwis

  Sorry, Rich.  I can't smell that.

  How can you not smell
That awful stench coming from
Barwis' colon?

  Russian Reversal syndrome.  I can't smell anything.  I have no sense of smell.

  You're telling me that
In communist Russia the
Government smells you?

  Exactly.

  You look like Garthe Knight
From that television show
Starring Hasselhoff