Despite their blatant ripoff of Southern Cal flashy new uniforms, Iowa State is once again having a little trouble selling tickets.  Most programs encounter similar problems, especially with games against perennial doormats like Missouri, Texas A&M, and Nebraska.

Fortunately, ISU Athletic Director Jamie Pollard is a marketing wizard.  After all, what does the typical Iowa State fan like more than free jalapeno poppers?

It’s called the "Applebee’s Mini-Pack" promotion and for only $99 each, Iowa State football fans can receive ...

• A reserved seat ticket to three Cyclone home games this fall (either South Dakota State or Kent State, Nebraska and either Texas A&M or Missouri)

A gift certificate worth $20 to use at any Applebee’s restaurant in the state of Iowa

Wait, wait.  It gets better.

"[W]e thought this was a great way to provide an inexpensive opportunity for fans to attend several Cyclone football games and have a night out at Applebee’s," Director of Athletics Jamie Pollard said. "It’s a very affordable price point, includes a bonus gift certificate and offers flexibility for fans to choose the games they want to see. That’s tough to beat."

One might think...just wait a second...no, no, I'm a pro, I'll keep a straight face...I...can...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ah!  Whew!  OK, I'm fine.  One might think Applebee's...is...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

OK [wipes tears from eyes], really, I'm done.  Now, one might think an Applebee's promotion makes perfect sense.  After all, it is where Gene Chizik waitresses during his summer vacation.  However, Chizik didn't exactly leave Applebee's on the best of terms.

Chizik nickels don't count toward your flair requirement

There's only one explanation: Jamie Pollard is perpetrating a fraud on the unsuspecting Iowa State fan base.  After all, if you see something too good to be true - like free Applebee's gift cards - it's probably a scam.  You're being had, Iowa State fans.  Here's some tips for protecting yourself from fraudulent university administrators: 

• If you receive an email from your AD where he claims to be the heir to the throne of Nigeria, it's not real.  Don't give him money. 
  
• If Jiri Hubalek offers to marry you, he's only trying to get a green card.
• If Darren Davis attempt to squeegee your car's windshield, tell him to get off the sauce.

OPS has weighed in over at AOL Fanhouse because, frankly, this deserves two posts.

And, in all seriousness, for you Iowa State fans demanding respect from Iowa, you will get respect when you stop stealing I-Cubs promotional gimmicks to sell tickets to your three biggest home games.

T/F/J: Frank Grimes at the Hawkeye Hotspot