Ask A Drive-By Truckers Character

From time to time, we're able to talk with certain celebrities and college football experts about the Iowa football program. We feel it always helps a fan's experience and worldview to be exposed to as many viewpoints as possible. To that end, today, we have the special privilege of talking with characters from Drive-By Truckers songs. Their latest critically acclaimed album is titled Brighter Than Creation's Dark, available at retailers nationwide or online at Amazon.com.

Dbts_medium 
via www.pwithouti.com

Dear AADBTC,

How much do you think the wide receiving corps will improve from last season to this?

Sincerely,
Scared of 3rd and 9

Dear Scared,

Now I ain't never touched a needle, but I know what gettin' high's like. When I was growing up in Rogersville, Alabama, me and the boys would sneak out at night, break into the shed across town, and sit next to rotten shelves and smoke the worst ditch weed that ever curled your nose hairs. Then we'd drive home in a piece'a shit Corvair'n make sure we didn't make a damn bit'a noise on them steps on the way back in. Hell of a way to catch a high if y'ask me.

Dear AADBTC,

Can Ferentz make a quarterback platoon system work? Is he even going to try, or is it all Jake, all the time?

Sincerely,
Anxious in Ankeny

Dear Anxious,

I worked at the same plant my daddy and his daddy worked at, cuttin' steel and grindin' our knees into a powdery mush. Then fuckin' Reagan comes along and next thing you know, that steel mill ain't there anymore, and neither's half the town. So I did what any honest man with kids to feed would do, and I started moving narcotics just to keep the bills paid. It ain't legal and I ain't proud, but those rich folk don't come by here handin' out jobs or money no more, so this is what I gotta do. I ain't been picked up with a heavy trunk yet, but I see the way them lawmen look at me.

Dear AADBTC,

Momma didn't raise me with much, but none of the kids at school had much neither, so I never did care for them labels like poor or whatever. Then I fell in love with a big city girl who had all this to say about what we should or shouldn't live like. I know she loves me, but it's that type of nagging that drives a good man crazy.

Sincerely,
Pissed Off in Fayette County

Dear Pissed Off,

Of course Norm Parker's not going to be there forever, and everybody knows it. His health will never be at 100%, and he's getting older. Heck, even Ferentz has cut back on his coaching duties, such that he's only coaching the inside linebackers, which effectively cuts his personnel responsibility by 33%. But at the same time, there's no denying that Iowa's always had a nasty defense under Parker, and he's not a guy you just replace by waving a wand. So I imagine the scenario goes that Ferentz looks around, doesn't see anybody inside the organization or outside that can effectively replace him, asks Norm if he's good to go for another year, and just stays in that holding pattern until Norm's ready to head on out. We'd like to see Norm hang 'em up, not because we don't approve of the job he's done--far from it--but just because he's diabetic and getting to that age where he ought to live as peacefully as possible, because there's really no telling how many more years a guy like that has.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: We would like to apologize, as that last question was erroneously taken from our upcoming feature, "Asked By A Drive-By Truckers Character." The fact-checker at fault has been sacked.]

Dear AADBTC,

Can Iowa beat Pitt?

Sincerely,
Hoping for 7-0!

Dear Hoping,

I ain't done much hopin' recently. Mary Lee done got cancer, and we cain't afford no insurance from workin' at the Wal-Mart for seven dollars and fucking nothin cents an hour. If this is how life's gonna be, that's fine, because I've got relief sittin' at the bottom of this bottle, and even though them demons never go away, I don't know what life would even be like without 'em anyhow. I've been a good man, and I don't expect no Lord to try and take that away from me. Wouldn't be the first time I got screwed, though.

Dear AADBTC,

Got any idea when they're actually going to get going on this new indoor practice facility? That bubble's really getting on my nerves, and big-time recruits must hate it!

Sincerely,
Tired of Eyesores

Dear Tired,

I just murdered the guy who murdered my daughter, and if I find that lying sack of shit brother of his I'm murdering him too.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Seriously, the body count in a typical DBT album is staggering. It makes N.W.A. look like Peter, Paul, and Mary.]

Dear AADBTC,

How many more troublemakers are on the football team anymore? We can't take another season that's anywhere near as bad as last year. Tell me there's no more CBI embarrassments on the horizon. I went to the UI when it was a fine institution, not gangbanger hoodlum central.

Sincerely,
Fearful For My Daughter

Dear Fearful,

My daddy wasn't no rich man, but he taught me to love bein' a Southern man, and I don't take no shit from no jokers. I travel on the road, I play shows nobody goes to, and I get tired and lonely when I stare at them double lines on another highway that takes forever to drive on. But I got this guitar and a whole lot to say, and that's what's gonna drive me from here to hell's door.

The Drive-By Truckers are touring now and will be featured at Des Moines's 80/35 Festival this Independence Day weekend, alongside the Roots and the Flaming Lips. Tickets are still available.

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