The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Writes A Programming Note

 HELLO PEOPLE
  THIS IS MR. PATERNO, THANK YOU, I AM LEARNING INTERNET
  IT APPEARS THAT DASTARDLY SPANIARD OOPS POW SURPRISE IS AWAY FROM HIS DESK AT THE MOMENT, THOUGH WE HAVE PLENTY TO DISCUSS
  FOR EXAMPLE, IT APPEARS THAT A MIAMI UNIVERSITY LINEMAN IS THE VILEST OF VILLAINS, ATTEMPTING TO SMOTHER A WOMAN IN HER SLEEP WITH HER OWN PILLOW
  THAT REMINDS ME OF A TIME WHEN I WAS COACHING THE PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS CLUB
  DO YOU GET IT, LIONS CLUB
  (audible sigh)
  BOBBY ENGRAM AND I WERE CELEBRATING ANOTHER VICTORY AGAINST THE HATED PITTSBURGH PANTHERS
  OH THAT REMINDS ME, THE PITTSBURGH PANTHERS ARE EVEN WORSE NOW, SO IF YOU HAWK’S-EYED INGRATES DO NOT DEFEAT THEM BY FOUR TOUCHDOWNS, YOU DESERVE TO BE DROWNED
  ANYWAY
  WE EACH TOOK IN SEVEN SCOTCH AND SODAS, OR AS WE CALL THE LIBATION UP IN PENNSYLVANIA, THE DIRTY RAPSCALLION
  NEITHER ONE OF US WAS REMOTELY CAPABLE OF DRIVING AFTER SO MANY DIRTY RAPSCALLIONS, SO WE DECIDED TO STEAL A SINGLE-PROP FROM THE LOCAL AIRSTRIP
  LONG STORY SHORT, WE CRASHED SHORTLY AFTER TAKEOFF INTO A PILLOW FACTORY, WHERE WE LANDED ON THE MERCHANDISE AND WERE UNHARMED
  THE CHILDREN VISITING THE FACTORY WERE NOT SO LUCKY
  A BEAR ATE THEM

  Mr. Paterno, Pootie Tang is on line two, they want their gag back.
  THANK YOU. SPEAKING OF GETTING HORRENDOUSLY DRUNK, TWO DUKE FOOTBALL PLAYERS WERE THROWN INTO FEDERAL PRISON FOR UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF INTOXICATION
  I DON’T SEE WHAT THIS WORLD IS COMING TO
  BACK WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, THE SOBER STUDENTS WERE ROUTINELY ROUNDED UP AND SHOT WITH MUSKETS FILLED WITH CHICKPEAS. WE CALLED IT GLEE CLUB AND THERE WAS NO SHAME IN A MAN’S INVOLVEMENT. THAT WAS BEFORE GLEE WAS A SYNONYM FOR THE SODOMY
  THAT REMINDS ME OF A JOKE
  It’s 7:30 in the evening and I have many, many better things to do than transcribe your jokes. Can I go home?
  NO
  A PRIEST AND A RABBIT ARE IN A BAR
  You mean rabbi?
  NO, JUST THE ONE
  THE PRIEST TURNS TO THE JEW AND SAYS, "I FEEL THE POWER OF THE LORD INSIDE OF ME"
  AND THE RABBIT SAYS
  You mean rabbi. A rabbi is like a Jewish preacher. A rabbit is
  SILENCE, YOU LOUD-MOUTHED QUEEN OF LIES. SOME MEMBERS OF THE HARE FAMILY ARE DESCENDED FROM JUDEA
  …
  AS I WAS SAYING, THE RABBIT SAYS, "OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID ‘IN SODOMY’"
  THE PREACHER SAYS, "NO, ‘INSIDE OF ME.’ THE BIBLE SPECIFICIALLY AND REPEATEDLY PROHIBITS SODOMY"
  THEN THE RABBIT SAYS "YES I KNOW, WHAT YOU CALL THE OLD TESTAMENT IS A SACRED TEXT TO THE JEWISH AS WELL"
  THEN THE BARTENDER SAYS, "THAT RABBIT IS A WITCH, RABBITS DON’T TALK"
  THE END
  (muffled weeping)
  YOUR TEARS OF ANGUISH REMIND ME EXQUISITELY OF THE OHIO STATE FANS REACTING TO TOMMY TUBERVILLE’S COMMENTS ABOUT THOSE AWFUL UNDERPERFORMERS
  OHIO STATE FANS ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE BIG TEN, RIGHT DOWN TO THE CROCS AND BED-WETTING
  THEY ARE TO HIGH IQ’S WHAT STEVE BELLISARI WAS TO THROWING A FOOTBALL
  MISERABLE
  ALSO, IT TURNS OUT THE STORY ABOUT THE MIAMI LINEMAN WAS GROSSLY, HORRIBLY OVERSTATED, AND SOMEBODY SHOULD PROBABLY LOSE THEIR JOB OVER LACK OF JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY
  LAST, YOU GET TO TALK TO ME, ESPN, AND MY GOOD FRIEND JIMINY CHRISTMAS AT THE FAN’S HOUSE; THEY DID NOT ALLOW SECRETARY IN THEIR HALLOWED HALLS
  God DAMN it.
  FRET NOT, SECRETARY, WE FOUND A REPLACEMENT FOR YOU
Hi!
  Double god damn it!
  THAT’S ALL FOR NOW. I AM TOLD THAT THE UNTRUSTWORTHY HAWKEYE STATE HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU LATER, ALTHOUGH UNLESS IT IS AN APOLOGY FOR HIS SPANIARD BLOOD, YOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN TO HIM
  GOODBYE IOWA FOOTBALL
  HOW DO I TURN OFF INTERNET
  SECRETARY, MAKE THIS STOP
  SECRETARYYY