Iowan in exile

Please, I need this.

I need to be around people used to getting their hearts ripped out because they believe in teams they SHOULD NOT believe in, teams that really don't deserve fans, teams that, you have to ask: WHY?

I attended Iowa during the Cummings and Lauterber years. In three years they won three football games (1-10,  0-11,  2-9), 1974 to 1976??? Something like that. All I can say, it's a good thing Iowa had a Writers Workshop then and people like Updike were winning in the arts and film and outer space (Van Allen).

So, why am I drawn to perennial losers? Hope Gardens? Dream Dashers?  I could just have a dog  who loves me for who I am,  who thinks i am  gud-all-mitey.  The  Master.

I don't need to have my blood pressure pop brain cells when Hayden Fry decides to use "exotics." I don't need the torture of Ronnie Harmon fumbling five times in the Rose Bowl. I don't need Dr. Tom's collapse against UNLV in that awful March Madness memory.

I don't need the grief I get from my Michigan friends who kick me around like a cowpie everytime we face them. I mean, how fair is it when they get recruits from all over the world who can pass tests in school, and we get  Dominique Douglass and his low rent outlook on life? Boy did they laugh when they sent me his photo last year.

But I was distracted by The Rockies at the time. Who climbed out of a humidor sewer and managed to win 21 of 23 games en route to their First Ever World Series -- which they promptly gave away to Beantown and the same guy who gave Jack the beans and the wonderful idea to make ethanol Popcicles, Methane-powered lawn tractors (always cut the grass AFTER baked bean outings) and Maid-Rites.

Dude, why? June is a few days away and the Rockies have fallen off the wagon again (20-33). Their idiot manager, Clint Hurdle, is going to manage the National League All-Stars. For Real. And he may be unemployed at the time.

Kirk Ferentz has managed to offer scholarships to more criminals than the infamous Iowa State basketball teams that robbed McDonalds Restaurants before, during and after practice. They brought new meaning to McDonalds All-Americans.

And the Broncos? What gives? Mike Shanaghans's face, contorted and clueless grin are symptoms of total collapse, running back betrayal, defensive play that is down-right offensive.

i need to be here. I need to be understood. I need to be consoled.

I need to be around people who want to vote against Democrats, but, in order to do so, must find a way to get excited about McCain!?!?!?!?!

Please humor me.

It's this, or  face the fact that I am a Northern Californian instead of an Iowan in Exile.