The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Goes to the Hospital

(in a sunlit family room)

...and 63 Across is "Mess." There. 15 minutes is pretty good for a Wednesday, I think.

I wonder what else is in the paper. It's weird having all this time to myself now that I'm out of that hellhole.

Also, I have no idea why I'm saying this all out loud.

Bad news out of Iraq... bad news on Wall Street... bad news in Hollywood. And it's going to rain tomorrow.

Sigh.

For all the good that quitting was supposed to do for me, now instead of feeling misused and needled, I'm just bored now. Sure, there's less stress, but people need some stress in their lives. It's what makes our blood move. It lets off endorphins.

It makes us feel alive.

No, the stationary life just isn't for me. But all I know is how to look after a doddering old fool who tells insane stories.

Sigh.

Wait a second... Paterno hospitalized? For dehydration?!

Jesus Christ, he's lost without me. Utterly lost.

(in a Mount Nittany hospital room)

DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE FOURTH TIME DAN CONNOR WAS ARRESTED FOR SETTING CHURCHES ON FIRE

Yes. You've told me about all seventeen. I just want to know why this man isn't in prison for life; after all, it's clearly a federal

THE FOURTH TIME HE WAS CAUGHT, IT WAS BECAUSE HE HAD SPRAY PAINTED THE PHRASE "I SET THE BAPTISTS ABLAZE" ON HIS WINDSHIELD AND STILL USED THE CAR. HE ONLY GOT FOUR BLOCKS BEFORE THE REDUCED VISIBILITY CAUSED HIM TO CRASH INTO A BUS FULL OF POLICEMEN, NUNS, AND UNICORNS

I'm fairly certain none of that

HIS LAWYER, CIRROC, GOT HIM OFF ON ACCOUNT OF THE BUS DRIVER WAS VERY HEAVILY INTOXICATED

AND THAT IS HOW BABIES ARE MADE

I hate my job.

(keep reading...)

SAY, NURSE

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE MOST THIS TIME OF DAY

What? No.

SIGH. NOBODY DOES AT THIS PLACE

We'll be getting you to your next test in about 15 minutes, Mr. Paterno

TESTS, TESTS, NOTHING BUT TESTS HERE. I HATE IT. ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW IS

A gin and tonic served in a miniature Nebraska football helmet?

SECRETARY!!!!

Drink up.

Ma'am, Mr. Paterno is most certainly not allowed to consume

MINE MINE MINE MINE

Sir, please stop drinking the

DELICIOUS, SIMPLY DELICIOUS. NURSE, ANY MORE BACKTALK FROM YOU AND I'LL SEVER YOUR OWN LEG AND PUT IT IN THE SPOKES OF YOUR BICYCLE SO YOU CAN'T RIDE IT

ALTHOUGH NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, SEEING A NURSE WITH ONE LEG TRY TO USE A BICYCLE WOULD BE THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEK

YOU WOULD HOP OVER TO IT, AND ONE OF YOUR PANTS LEGS WOULD JUST BE FLAPPING AWAY IN THE WIND

You know what? He's all yours. I'm done. You're his secretary, so take care of his secretion yourself. Good. Fucking. Bye.

WHAT IS THAT STRANGE WOMAN'S PROBLEM? I THINK SHE HAS A SPANIARD'S BLOOD. PLEASE ENSURE THAT SHE DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING FROM ME WHILE I WAS HERE

I don't mean to be a stickler, Mr. Paterno, but all you carry around is a notepad and a petrified pack of Doublemint gum. You should be safe from theft.

LISTEN TO YOU, BACKTALKING LIKE A SPANIARD NURSE. UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, I SAY! BRING ME MY FAMILY SO WE CAN BOO YOU IN UNISON

Oh, I meant to ask you about that. Everyone was there in the waiting room except for Jay. Where is he?

WE TRY TO LIMIT HIS INVOLVEMENT IN IMPORTANT MATTERS

So... his father's in the hospital and nobody's going to bother to tell him?

THE BEAUTY OF THE PLAN LIES IN THE SIMPLICITY

Where the hell is he, anyway?

(in Joe Paterno's bathroom)

(clad in only a bathtowel, tries aftershave for the first time)

(pause)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAWGH

(back in the hospital)

PROBABLY AT AN ARCADE IF I HAD TO GUESS

WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR OF WALKING ME TO THE EKG AREA

Why don't you have a wheelchair here? You're hospitalized and you're fucking ancient. There's no reason for you to have to walk anywhere.

I WON'T TOLERATE ANY UNNECESSARY DISPLAYS OF WEAKNESS, SO I THREW MY LAZYCHAIR OUT THE WINDOW

I doubt that.

I MADE MY WIFE THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW

I do not doubt that.

LET'S BE OFF NOW. SECRETARY, THE GIN AND TONIC YOU DELIVERED MADE ME VERY HAPPY, ALMOST AS HAPPY AS IF THE IRISH HAD NEVER CROSSED THE ATLANTIC

Was that... did you just thank me? You never thank me.

YOU WILL KNOW WHEN I THANK YOU FOR A JOB WELL DONE, BECAUSE THAT WILL BE NEVER

Sigh. You're welcome, Mr. Paterno.

F

E

R

You're singing again.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT IS A CRIME TO SING WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY

SECRETARY CAME BACK, THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER

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