The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Runs Spring Practices, Part 1

We find Mr. Paterno seated with Athletic Director Tim Curley in a meeting room, flanked on either side by an attentative board of regents. Mr. Paterno is gazing anxiously at the wall clock and is visibly impatient. It is the afternoon, after all, and spring practices have begun. Nonetheless, business beckons.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MR. CURLEY

We're glad you could make it, Mr. Paterno. Obviously, this is a delicate situation, with your contract and all.

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. YOU AND THE REGENTS GET ALL WORKED UP OVER MONEY EVERY YEAR

Well, Joe, it's just

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

Coach

MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

I've known you for decades, Joe

MR. PATERNO WILL

Would you cut it out?!

BE FINE, THANK YOU

Okay, Mr. Paterno, let's

THANK YOU

...let's talk about the contract. As you're probably aware, we're not particularly interested in extending yours much longer

THAT IS FINE

It... it is? So you don't mind if we replace you before, say, 2010?

ON THAT WE WILL DISAGREE SHARPLY, AND BY THAT I MEAN I WILL BE INSERTING A SWORDFISH INTO YOUR STERNUM

But, you just said yourself that

I DON'T GIVE ONE WHIT WHAT YOU PAY ME, YOU MONGOLOID, AND I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS I'M LEGALLY ALLOWED TO BE ON THAT SIDELINE OR NOT, BUT YOU WILL NOT TEAR ME AWAY FROM THIS PROGRAM UNTIL I AM GOOD AND GODDAMN READY, WHICH I SHOULD REITERATE WOULD BE NEVER

Guys, I can hang up if you want

WHO IS THAT AND HOW IS HE THROWING HIS VOICE INTO THIS ROOM. I SUSPECT IT'S THE WORK OF BLACK MAGICKS

(keep reading...)

Calm down, Jo--Mr. Paterno. It's

THANK YOU

...it's Greg Schiano, head coach over at Rutgers. We were hoping you two could come to a mutual agreement on a succession plan.

I'VE GOT A GREAT PLAN, IT'S CALLED HOW ABOUT GREG SCHIANO DOESN'T SET FOOT IN THIS STATE IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY

Easy, Joe. I'm not taking your job away from you.

YOU LEARN VERY QUICKLY, I COULD USE A GUY LIKE YOU AROUND HERE AFTER I LEAVE

What do you mean you're not--Christ, Greg, why even bother with the conference call?

Bill told me there were some mighty fine benefits to being courted for the job. That's up for debate.

What?

GREG, LISTEN VERY CLOSELY, DO NOT PULL ENGAGE MRS. CURLEY IN RELATIONS

Thank you, Mr. Pater

SHE IS UNTAMED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE LOCATIONS

Heh. Not anymore.

JESUS YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID YOU USE, A MACHETE?

For crying out loud.

A half hour with a set of clippers and three quarters of a tube of shaving cream. Can't say the process was a lot of fun, but the end result was

Can we stop this? Please?!

...also not worth it.

TIM, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S GIANT THIGHS

No shit.

I'm going to hang this phone up. This call is over.

Not before I get your credit card number, this box spring is ruined.

AND HERE I WAS ASKING ABOUT IF HE SHAVED YOUR WIFE'S MUSTACHE. SHE'S A PICKELHAUBE AWAY FROM PROFESSIONALLY IMPERSONATING A KAISER. A PICKELHAUBE IS THE HELMET WITH THE POINT ON TOP COMMONLY ASSOCIATED WITH GERMAN AND PRUSSIAN MILITARY MEMBERS OF THE 18TH CENTURY. I TRIED QUITE UNSUCCESSFULLY TO INTEGRATE THEM INTO THE COLLEGE GAME FORTY YEARS AGO, AND THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT WE WILL MISS THOSE FALLEN SOLDIERS, THE TRUTH IS THAT THEY'RE PITT, AND THE 56-POINT VICTORY MARGIN WOULD BE MY LARGEST FOR DECADES. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A WORTHWHILE EXPERIENCE

We play Pitt on a yearly basis, Joe. They are awful.

THEY CERTAINLY ARE

Okay, that's enough of that. (hangs up phone)

GOD DAMN IT, SHORT AND CURLEY. THAT WAS MY FIRST WORTHWHILE CONVERSATION IN DECADES

I know, but that had to stop. I'm going to the bathroom. I know you have practice to deal with in a bit, but please stay for 5 minutes. (leaves)

MAY I SING TO PASS THE TIME

TRICK QUESTION, I ASK PERMISSION FROM NOBODY

F

E

R

G

A

ring ring ring

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME

I'll get that, Joe. It's a call coming in.

YES, THIS IS TIM CURLEY, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU

Hey, it's Ed. We have a problem.

OH, DO TELL

Well, we seem to have a problem. You know Stanley Pringle, right?

HIS POTATO SNACKS HAVE KEPT ME AWAKE ON MANY A NIGHT, AND HIS MUSTACHE REMINDS ME OF MY WIFE'S

What?! Oh come on, Joe, put Tim on the line.

TIM IS IN THE BATHROOM ON ACCOUNT OF HIS FOOTBALL-SIZED PROSTATE

Sigh... fine. Maybe you can help.

DO TELL. I AM WELL VERSED IN THE ART OF PLAYER DISCIPLINE

I don't really think you are, Joe, you've killed dozens of players with your bare hands. I think you ate a few.

NOT DOZENS

Anyway... we had a kid get arrested in the library last night.

FOR ARSON?

No, no, nothing that destructive

GOD DAMN IT, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ARSON

He, uh... he was arrested for masturbating.

WHAT

What?

Yeah.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I know.

STANLEY PRINGLE WAS ARRESTED FOR MILKING HIMSELF IN A LIBRARY

Yes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

What's so funny?

STANLEY PRINGLE IS A PUBLIC MASTURBATOR

He must have thought it was a "Pubic Library!"

Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

(to be continued...)

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