The JoePa Chronicles: Joe Paterno Meets Bill Cowher

(Parts 1, 2, 3)

BOY, TIME TO HIT THE ROAD. IT HAS BEEN A LONG DAY

Have a good evening, Mr. Paterno. May I go home yet?

HAVE YOU BOOKED MY RECRUITING FLIGHT YET

Sir. For the thousandth time, you cannot recruit Sinbad

HIS NAME IS ANDRE KRIMM AND HE IS A TERROR IN THE TRENCHES

Okay. First of all, that's a movie. Necessary Roughness. It had Scott Bakula as a 40-year-old quarterback

YES WE NEED HIM

...and Kathy Ireland as a kicker.

A DARLING OF A LADY, SHE MAY COPULATE WITH SEAN LEE

It's not a documentary. Those are all actors. They can't play football.

YOU LISTEN HERE, I SAW ANDRE KRIMM KNOCK A LINEBACKER'S FACEMASK CLEAN OFF, BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE

Okay, Joe. Let's play this game. That movie was made about 15 years ago. How do you propose we go back in time

DO YOU MEAN BACK TO THE FUTURE

Oh God.

WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL WITH OUR USE OF THE TECHNOLOGY. MICHAEL J FOX TREATED IT LIKE A TOY AND NOW LOOK AT HIM

I think I need a new job.

HE SHAKES LIKE CASSIUS CLAY TRYING TO RUB ONE OUT

(JOEPA SAYS THE STORY CONTINUES BELOW)

Okay. I'll work on getting that flight booked right away. You go on home, Mr. Paterno.

FINALLY SOME LUCIDITY. THE TROUBLE IS, I'M NOT GOING HOME. PENN STATE DIRECTOR OF ATHLETICS TIM CURLEY HAS INVITED ME OVER FOR DINNER AND DISCUSSION OF THE WAR

Oh, well that sounds like a wonderful time.

WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ROBESPIERRE'S SHENANIGANS, PUBLIC SAFETY CANNOT COME AT THE PRICE OF MASS KILLINGS OF POLITICAL DISSIDENTS

Now that's just absurd. You're 81 years old, not 250.

GOOD NIGHT SECRETARY

I have a name, you dick.

(later, chez Curley)

I APPRECIATE THE HORS D'OUEVRES, TIM. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE TERM "HORS D'OUEVRE" TRANSLATES TO "OUTSIDE OF WORK," FROM THE FRENCH WORD OVRE, OR OPERA. IT'S A "WORK" IN AN ARTISTIC SENSE, RATHER THAN THE DAILY TRAVAILS WE GO THROUGH

It's no problem, Joe. They're just cream cheese and pickles wrapped up in ham, then cut up. It's hardly art.

HARDLY ART, THAT REMINDS ME OF ZACK MILLS

Hahahahahaha, Zack Mills.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, GOD HE SUCKED

KNOCK KNOCK

Oh, come in!

HELLO MR. CURLEY, I HOPE I'M NOT LATE

No, not at all! Mr. Cowher, please meet Joe Paterno.

(squints)

(squints)

GOOD EVENING JOE

BILL, IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO OUR NECK OF THE WOODS

TIM BROUGHT ME OVER FOR DINNER AND WINE TONIGHT

I'M SURPRISED YOU WERE ABLE TO DRIVE TONIGHT; THE CLOUDS ARE SPITTING SNOW AS IF IT WERE YOU ON HIGH

I SPIT OUT OF INTENSITY, NOT OUT OF WEAKNESS LIKE YOUR ASSCLOWN FRIEND LOU HOLTZ

Guys, if we could jus

LOU HOLTZ IS A WORTHLESS MAN WHOM I ROUTINELY MAILED BOXES OF MY OWN FECAL MATTER, IT WAS THAT DEDICATION TO WINNING THAT WON OVER EVENTUAL #1 NFL DRAFT PICK BLAIR THOMAS

BLAIR THOMAS WAS THE WORST DRAFT PICK EVER

SAY IT, DON'T SPRAY IT

WATCH IT, LITTLE MAN, I CAN CRAM YOU INTO A DUFFEL BAG AND TOSS YOU INTO THE SUSQUEHANNA

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME MAKES YOU THINK I'M SCARED OF YOU, YOU'RE A PAIR OF AVIATORS AND A POLICE UNIFORM AWAY FROM JOINING A LOUSY VILLAGE PEOPLE TRIBUTE BAND

Gentlemen--

YOU CAN DO THE YMCA WITH COLIN POWELL UNTIL YOU PASS OUT FROM FATIGUE, AND BY YMCA I MEAN FURIOUS DRYHUMPING

HOW ABOUT I DROP KICK YOU THROUGH THESE IMPECCABLE BAY WINDOWS

I sincerely appreciate you noticing, Bill, the wife picked them out, but I must implore you to

WELL IF YOU THINK THAT SCENARIO IS TOO FARFETCHED THEN BY ALL MEANS YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND WETHUMP THE FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE AS WELL

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE WALKING OUT THAT FRONT DOOR WITHOUT TWO BROKEN LEGS YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN; I ONCE CRUSHED BAM MORRIS IN A PNEUMATIC PRESS FOR DOGGING IT DURING BLITZ PICKUP DRILLS. HE WAS OUT FOR FOUR WEEKS WITH LIQUIFIED INTERNAL ORGANS AND A CONCUSSION

THAT'S NOTHING. ONE TIME I TIED RASHARD CASEY UPSIDE DOWN TO A TELEPHONE POLE, THEN WRAPPED MY CROWN VIC AROUND IT AT 65 MILES PER HOUR

THAT IS OUTSTANDING. WHAT DID YOU END UP DOING TO ANTHONY MORELLI

I FED HIM TO GODZILLA

Are you two done? We have a coaching transition to discuss.

WHAT

YES WHAT

Are you kidding? Bill, I told you I wanted to discuss you taking over the reins from JoePa

LISTEN HERE CURLEY Q, YOU CAN REPLACE ME WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY TO LEAVE, WHICH JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE NEVER

Joe, come on. You're like 90.

WHO SAID I WANTED TO COACH HERE ANYWAY? I HAVE A SUPER BOWL RING, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO TAKE A GODDAMN PAY CUT TO WATCH A BUNCH OF 20-YEAR-OLDS TAKE FOURTH PLACE IN THE BIG TEN EVERY SINGLE YEAR?

Bill, come on. You sold your house. Clearly you're looking for a job.

CLEARLY I'M LOOKING FOR A FREE MEAL AND A LAP DANCE FROM YOUR WIFE, YOU WIENER. WHERE IS SHE

What?

LET ME ADVISE YOU THAT YOU WANT TO KEEP THE PANTS ON, BILL. SHE HASN'T TRIMMED THE HEDGES IN DECADES

That is inappropriate!

THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP BIG GUY, ANYTHING ELSE I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT

YES, WHILE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING I USED A "TEXT MESSAGE" TO INSTRUCT MY DEFENSIVE LINE TO SET FIRE TO YOUR CAR. I NEVER TAKE CHANCES

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M STAYING HERE TONIGHT, CURLEY WURLEY. HOW'S THE FUTON

Oh, it's fine. The basement's a bit cold, but hey, it's the winter! Ha, ha!

THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR, I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT. I'LL BE IN YOUR BEDROOM RUINING ANOTHER MARRIAGE

What?!

SO YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY JOB

I'LL DO THAT AS SOON AS WILLIE PARKER BREAKS A TACKLE

YOU HEARD THE MAN, GIVE ME AN INFINITY-YEAR EXTENSION

This is madness!

THIS! IS! PENNSYLVANIA!

(H/T: The Nittany Line)

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker