BHGP BRACKET MADNESS: THE FINALS
by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 12:23 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes News
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PrintThe fat has been trimmed from the steak, we're finally here - It's the finals! This is what we're voting on.
Today: Lady vs. Scamp!
PROS: Exterminator. Impersonator. Coffee lover. Laborer.
CONS: Not even an Iowan, she's from Minnesota. Frequently rolls around on floor.
PROS: Inventor. Educator. Historian. Mother Fucker.
CONS: Too passionate. Too handsome [see: above].
BHGP rides again!
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uh
The one in my mouth is NOT a bread knife.
And I can honestly say I never thought I'd say or type that above sentence out.
SOUL ASYLUM, PRINCE, KIRBY PUCKETT, MINNESOTA, DMBMEG 4 EVA!!!
you forgot Garrison Keillor
Also, Kirby was a serial groper - not an American hero, like me.
by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 12:41 PM CDT up reply actions
well...
For someone who hates MN so much, you sure do a good Paul Bunyan impersonation.
Where's your Blue Ox?
No thank you
I don't need to paint and enslave an animal to do my dirty work. I do the job myself.
You'd know that if you were a real Iowan.
JebusHChrist: Hard Worker, Animal Lover, Iowan
by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 12:54 PM CDT up reply actions
Actually, it was 1 vote, and she was winning.
And the votes weren't reset.
And she won by more than 20.
And none of that matters, because she's going down like a sweet muffin today.
Braising Minnesota
Aren't the Coen Brothers from MN? So's the Bellanca Aircraft factory (they have a full size replica of Blue Ox, up there in Alexandria), oh, a couple hundred miles east of Fargo.
Anyhow, no matter how happy and busy she appears to be getting in the kitchen, the blood simple truth is Jebus has about 5 pounds of sharpened steel to her 2 oz. Not even Ralph Miller's crossing the rubicon can save the happy girl.
(Jebus, sure, is a good Dude, but does anyone else see an incipient, inner John Goodman crouched within, just waiting for a couple more years of sideways, web-fueled meanderings to come spilling out over his waistband.)
ya live in Iowa, yet
It's a geographical certainty, but admittedly, one here has to do the discounted present value of fat.
No worries, someone, somewhere is calling Robert Gallery fat. That person would be an asshole.
real chefs use carbon steel
I'd offer up an essay on the subject, (but you would find it tedious, and girls always use stainless to save on clean-up toil) and reference different kitchens I slaved in there in River City, but if you want to cut a fine, fine stroke across any old piece of meat -- it's carbon steel, never stainless. Like the big boy's axe head. That thing be carbon steel. You stroke it with your carborundum, or use little circular patterns, oil it down when through so it doesn't get rusty. Then it does what you want, whenever you want.
I'm not drinking in the middle of the day, this is just boy scout special knowledge.
Split hairs?
What kinda' recipe calls for split hairs? Did you cook at my college cafeteria?
by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 2:14 PM CDT up reply actions
doing the "ignore that guy" thing
She's just doing the "let's all just ignore that guy" thing. I understand. First the outrageous "thesaurus-pounding blowhard" thing, now, simply the sorority girl "that guy's gross" wrinkled nose and silence, thing. That's why my Big Event against CBI occurred when I was sitting on a 12-mile beach in the Turks and Caicos pursuing melanoma and trying to buy only one bottle of Sapphire every other day -- not exactly fair play -- but hey, she's a girl, and she's about to win again! Didja know? 140 women graduate from college for every 100 guys. There's something we're missing, and it may be the extra Y chromosome.
No, if I cooked in your cafeteria, you'd still be in college. I just served my housekeeper and the nanny the best spiced Italian roast beef sandwiches the world has ever seen, and if I could speak Spanish, I would verify that. (It has to do with braising the roast in cast iron, and using red wine instead of chicken broth in the jus.)
P.S., I sliced that thing with a carbon steel carving knife (the kind that gets sharp if you put the stone to it, and rusts if you don't treat it right).
Red wine works well
As does veal or duck demiglace. I used the veal last week, it was amazing.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 2:48 PM CDT up reply actions
blindfolds and soft ropes
Well, I like to deploy blindfolds and soft ropes, but I don't brag about it publicly, either. Jeez. Getting pretty dark and personal, aren't we?
I love allusions!
David Blaine is awesome!!!
by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 3:21 PM CDT up reply actions
ahem
Guess I shoulda smudged more than Meg's photos...
hmmmmm.... VOTE FOR JEBUS!
[walks away uncomfortably]
I was strangely frustrated not
to get a glimpse of your companion. Does she secretly harbor enthusiasms for logger-men?
It was only to protect you
We are not a T&A blog, ma'am. Sorry if you're unhappy with the results.
by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 1:57 PM CDT up reply actions
My vote went to...
I'm trying to learn more about this DMBMEG character but a couple of things concern me. One that she might actually like Dave Matthews Band given the username and secondly that she looks different in every picture I see her in on her blog. Give those two things and the fact that she is from Minnesooooota, my vote went to Jebus.
sigh
we already went through the dmb thing, and I refuse to do it again.
I suppose I look different depending on how many drinks I have had. The above picture was made after an hour of flip cup and about 3 vodka sodas.
Also, I wear glasses on occasion. They make me look smart.
are there pictures of you sober?
Just curious.
by jebushchrist on Mar 31, 2008 2:03 PM CDT up reply actions
A tough decision, but then I remembered
I live in Chicago.
So I voted for both of you. Woooooooo democracy!!!
This is such crap
Everyone knows that axe beats knife, every damn time. Knives are for bread. Axes are for slaughter.
Actually,
I believe Mrs Bobbit used scissors.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2008 2:49 PM CDT up reply actions
bitter -- yes
It's kinda like losing to Directional U. One is supposed to be bitter.
I know, you didn't mean it that way.
Yeah, well
things aren't always as they seem, it would seem. Which, of course, is unseemly. Seemingly, anyway.
I do
And it rules. Seriously, how cool is it that we're supposed to get 8 inches on March 31st? Calm down Meg, I'm speaking of snow here. ZING!
by jason3kidd on Mar 31, 2008 4:03 PM CDT up reply actions
Well, I do live in MN
I love Minnesota, but I don't have to like it.
It's form of government is socialism.
It's has a fishing "season".
Gophers.
Vikings.
If you get a new driver's license, you get your old one cut and have to carry around a yellow piece of paper until they get their old school printers to mail you a new one a month later.
Did I mention Gophers?
uh
You shouldn't be driving that fast anyways.
Oh well, I lost.
A TIE?
I confuse. I confuse much.
70 in MN. 70 in IA.
Except in MN, they drive 65 in the left hand lane.
Listen, people
This thing has been going on 24 hours and it's a tie. How is this possible? For all of her... whatever it is she does, at her core Meg's a trash-talking Minnesotan. I mean, she's practically Canadian!
DMBMEG: Talks trash with a funny accent, afraid of cars, and has hair like a mushroom cloud.
Vote for Jebus.
Yes!
He was awesome on Sliders. You know he was the fat kid in Stand By Me?
Yep.
by jebushchrist on Apr 1, 2008 10:14 PM CDT up reply actions
Polls closed at 6PM - I was up by 2
However, now it's tied again, so I guess they'll stay open longer?
Ha!
It doesn't let us set time parameters, or "close" the poll. We have to leave it open or delete it.
Soooooo
I'm not sure my brain is ready to handle that.
by chitownhawkeye on Apr 1, 2008 9:22 PM CDT up reply actions
The end of Marchifornication
With a quick look at the most recent results of the prior engagement, I have to question the finals:
http://www.blackheartgoldpants.com/s...
Nevertheless, much like William Rehnquist, I must bring an end to this election madness.
OPS, as the only other non-participating member of the BHGP High Triumvirate, do you concur that voting should be brought to an end?
The March must fornicate no longer.
Jebus, the prize is yours.
Meg, go work on global warming or grow a beard or something.
If only J Leman had an axe
I would have been gone a long time ago.
I'll work on taming my mushroom cloud.
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