Author's note: I would like to apologize in advance, because this is the stupidest thing I've ever written since elementary school. See if you can figure out where I lose all interest. Still, it's better than listening to Dick Vitale.

Hello, boys and ghouls! I hope you had a lovely Beaster holiday weekend! We're in the middle of the ghostseason, which means it's time for another scare-raising tale of the NCAA Basketmaul Scarenament! Nyeahahahahahah!

Let's start in the East Fleagion! North Scareolina is in the Sweet 16 after beating Mount St. Scary's and the Arkansas Scarezorbacks! They scored over 100 points in each game; nobody's done that since Loyola Scarymount in 1990! I guess you could say they were goblin up field ghouls! Nyeahahahahahah! The Scare Heels will face the Washington State Googars in Scarlotte this Thursday! I predict another terrorific game from Wayne Smellington and Fly Lawson!

Meanwhile, the Gooeyville Scaredinals face the number goo seed Tennesee Volunsmears! Louissmell coach Crypt Pitino certainly has his work cut out fear him! The Scaredinals will feature their guard and center, Scarerence Williams and Scarerick Scareacter! I guess you could say he's a real character! Nyeahahahahahah! But I've got bad noose for him, because the Ghoulenteers can score from anywhere on the parquet gore! They'll have to trade flea-pointers until they all drop dead! Nyeahahahahahah!

(keep BLEEDing...)

Now onto the South bleedgion! Nyeahahahahahah! The Texas Longhorrorns are led by the dienamic duo of D.J. Augustspleen and A.J. Abrams, and they easily won the Big Smellve South this year. They had no problems with Ghostin Peay or the Miami Scareicanes, and many think they'll reach the Final Gore! First, they must beat the Stanford Scaredinal, who needed overslime to triumph over the Marquette Molden Eagles! Stanford has the strongest presence in the ghost, with not one but boo seven-footers! Better yet, they're diedentical twins!

The winner will travel to the Elite Hate to meet either Memphis or the Scaretans of Michigan Scare! The Diegers have a ten-man woetation, led by future NBA lottery pick Scarerick Rose! They struggle with flea throws, so if the game is close down the wretch, it's anybody's ball-lame!

Now we look at the Deadwest, where the top seed is the Scaresas Jayhawks! They get the break of an afterlifetime by meeting the smellfth seed, the Killanova Mildbats! Killanova's coach Jay Fright has them playing at their highest devil yet this fleason! Kansas's top scarer is Brandon Flush, and

WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS WRONG WITH YOU

Hell, well, well! If it isn't Joe Scareterno! Why, we're talking about Basketbrawl!

THE LAST TIME I HEARD SOMEBODY TALK LIKE THAT, IT WAS ANTHONY MORELLI AFTER A STAGE NINE CONCUSSION. THE DOCTORS TOLD ME HIS BRAIN EXPLODED

Sounds ghoulightful!

HE MISSED ONE QUARTER THEN WE HAD HIM SHAKE IT OFF

COME TO THINK OF IT, THAT PROBABLY EXPLAINS HIS CAREER

WHAT A GIANT WASTE OF TIME THAT WAS

WHERE AM I

Say, you sound awfully fearmiliar!

WELL, IT'S TIME TO LEVEL WITH YOU. YEARS AGO, I WAS IN THE DEEPEST FORESTS OF VERMONT, LOOKING FOR A DEFENSIVE TACKLE THAT HAD TURNED INTO A WEREWOLF AND RUN OFF INTO THE WILDERNESS. I CURSE THE CYCLE OF THE MOON TO THIS DAY AND I URGE YOU TO DO THE SAME. AS I TRACKED HIM DOWN, I CAME ACROSS A ROTTING TREE

Yes? What next?

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME, I SAID I CAME ACROSS IT. I MAINTAIN A STRICT REGIMEN OF SEVEN EJACULATIONS A DAY TO KEEP MY SEMINIFROUS TUBES CLEAN, WHETHER IT BE BY TRADITIONAL MEANS OR THE MORE INVASIVE PROCEDURE OF PROSTATE MILKING. THE DECOMPOSED NATURE OF THE TREE MADE IT EASY TO COPULATE WITH MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE FLESH. I WAS DONE IN BUT 15 MINUTES

I don't flea where you're going with this gory!

CRYPTKEEPER

Yessss?

I AM YOUR FATHER

How horrorible!

YOU START AT QUARTERBACKS COACH ON MONDAY. IF JAY PROTESTS, AS THE OLDER BROTHER, YOU HAVE FULL LICENSE TO THROW HIM OUT THE WINDOW

But what of the Tales From The Crypt!

YOU MUST MEAN THE SPREAD HD PLAYBOOK. IT IS THE EASIEST THING I EVER ENCOUNTERED IN FOOTBALL. 1: LINE UP IN SPREAD FORMATION. 2: READ OPTION BETWEEN QB AND HB. 3: LOSS OF FIVE YARDS

Sounds like first downs will be scarece!

GOD I HATE MY SONS