NATIONAL MANHUMPING CHAMPIONS


Brent Metcalf is no match for Bubba Jenkins and his Inverse Bavarian Nut Grinder technique.

In the midst of a tumultuous first weekend of March Madness (current bracket status: fuckbombed), the Iowa wrestling team won their first national title in 16* years. Incredibly, they wrapped the team title up before the final round even began, which meant that the three Iowa wrestlers who reached the championship match could have just played with one of those paddles with the ball attached to it and Iowa still would have won.

We were fortunate to watch Mark Perry's title match at 165, which pitted him (#2) against some guy with a really, really German name (like Tannenbaum or something that ends in Burger)  (#1). Even after hyperextending a knee halfway through the match, Perry was still such a dominant humper that he won the match and was named the best 165-pound guy in all the land. Take that, Michigan!

Don't ask us how, because it's highly illegal, but we obtained video highlights of every single match the Hawkeyes were involved in this weekend, and we're happy to share them with you. Remember: this all actually happened.

He hit him with the stairs! That can't be legal! All's fair in the pursuit of victory, I suppose.

So the lights have barely cooled at the Scottrade Center in St. Louis, and already Tom Brands is talking about repeat championships--for good reason. Iowa returns all but two wrestlers, plus Tom Brands is fucking crazy and will kill them if they don't win again. Your money quote from Brent Metcalf:

"(Winning by) 30 points isn't enough. We want to set the record, I don't know what it is, but we want 300 points if that's possible -- that's the direction we're heading. We're enjoying our win, but we've still got work to do."

Wrestling! Who knows how these point thingies work! Let's get sweaty!

*like hell I'm doing any research

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