GOOD MORNING SECRETARY, LOVELY DAY TODAY
It's 4 in the afternoon.
IT'S ALWAYS MORNING SOMEWHERE, THAT'S MY MOTTO, YOU'D BE WISE TO LEARN IT
Oh, sort of a way to approach life from an optimistic point of view?
NO, TO FORCE BURGER KING TO MAKE ME A BACON EGG AND CHEESE BISCUIT AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY
Why do you even eat there? Do you have any idea how bad that food is for you?
LISTEN, YOU LITTLE HARLOT
I'm literally seven inches taller than you. And I'm 5'5".
I'M AS SPRY AS I'VE EVER BEEN. LATELY I HAVE BEGUN PRACTICING WITH THE FOOTBALL TEAM, OBSERVE:
First of all, that's profoundly disturbing. Second, what on earth does baton twirling have to do with football?
This makes me think you were hanging out with the marching band.
WELL THEIR HELMETS WERE CERTAINLY UNCONVENTIONAL
AND THEY DID NOT BEHAVE LIKE FOOTBALL PLAYERS AT ALL
No, band geeks are actually strange, horrible people.
THEY CERTAINLY ARE
I HATE BAND GEEKS
THAT REMINDS ME OF 1997, WHEN WE
WERE INVOLVED IN NEGOTIATIONS WITH BOEING
TO BLOW UP THE SUN
Okay. Time out. Is this another one of your insane, ludicrous stories where you namedrop an old player of yours, then describe a scenario that could never, ever happen, then pass it all off as fact?
Are you sure?
LONG STORY SHORT, THE GAMMA RAYS ROBBED CURTIS ENIS OF THE ABILITY TO PERFORM IN THE NFL AND CAUSED HIM TO GAIN 25 POUNDS ON ACCOUNT OF THE APPETITE
Oh for crying out loud.
IT'S COBBLER TIME
Are you done yet?
There's something you should know. Terrelle Pryor is going to be on campus this weekend.
OH YES, BREWSTER'S MILLIONS
No. The quarterback. The best recruit in the nation.
I KNEW THAT, I WAS PULLING YOUR LEG
I'm pretty sure you weren't. Anyway, we have to be very careful about how we handle the situation. Since he's not on an official visit, we can't
You don't actually know my name, do you?
I AM WELL ON TOP OF THE DARRELL PRYOR SITUATION
THINGS ARE A-OKAY, YOUR ATTENTION TOWARD THE PARKING LOT
(tooling around the lot in a Model T)
Oh. My God.
Wheeeeeeeeee! Ha ha ha, this car is bumpy!
He's supposed to be playing basketball with his team right now!
Awoooooga! Awooooga! Horns from the 1910s are the shit! This thing's older than seat belts! Ha ha ha!
I SHOULD GO TALK TO HIM
You think?! The NCAA's going to kill us for this!
NOT SO, PHONE JOCKEY, THE NCAA PROVISIONS ONLY TOOK EFFECT IN 1938
ALL CARS OLDER THAN THAT WERE GRANDFATHERED IN AS LEGAL. CHALK ONE UP FOR BIG JOEY
That's a horrible nickname. Anyway, I'll walk you down. Last time you got lost in the staircase and we had to fish you out of the emergency firehose
THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE PUT IT BEHIND A DOOR IN A STAIRWELL
DOORS ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAD OUT OF PLACES, NOT INTO SERPENTINE TRAPS
Let's get you down there.
TERRY, TERRY THAT'S ENOUGH
Get out of the car!
That thing is crazy! It's like a car and a moped, except the worst of both worlds.
BACK IN MY DAY, PEOPLE PAID 35 DOLLARS FOR ONE OF THOSE, THAT IS LIKE FOUR HUNDRED MILLION TODAY DOLLARS
This smoke is horrible. What the hell does the engine run on?
KITTENS AND PUPPIES
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY YOUNG MAN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A NITTANY LION
Do you mean it? Me, at Penn State?
YES, WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU, YOU WILL START AT QUARTERBACK FOR FOUR YEARS
JUST SAY THE WORD
As it turns out the word is "go fuck yourself," Tressel offered me an Escalade limo with six hookers and $3 million in unmarked, nonsequential bills on the inside
SECRETARY, DOUBLE THAT, RIGHT THIS INSTANT
We cannot seriously
Tick tick tick, old man, I'm bout to dive dick-first into some girls with daddy issues less you ante up right now
THAT'S IT, I NEED A B-52 WITH TEN MILLION IN PROMISSORY NOTES AND 14 OF THE FINEST VIRGINS ON CAMPUS
We can't do that!
Peace bitches, I'ma ghost ride the horseless carriage all the way to Columbus