These are ITEMS!
ITEM! No new crackheads on America's golden shores! We're happy with the ones we've got!
ITEM! Second-most disappointing recruiting class? Once again, Iowa just can't win the big one...
ITEM! The NYT writes about top recruit Darrell Scott's decision-making process. One important detail left out: the chairs they were sitting on were pure gold bouillon! Boosters ahoy!
ITEM! Tailback Shonn Greene is back too! He joins the three incoming recruits and Jevon Pugh, who has been twisting in the arctic wind for so long that he is 80% ice.
ITEM! Barack Obama opposes pants! Hillary Clinton introduced legislation to make pants mandatory, even during coitus! The choice is clear, America!