I personally witnessed [made up in my head] the following exchange.
Santa: So boy what do you want for Christmas?
Depressed Hawkeye Fan: I don't know there are so many things. How about a New Year's Day Bowl.
Santa: Well that seems reasonable, let me see here. Hummm. Iowa... Hawkeyes... Yes, I see them here. Boy, I'm not miracle worker here.
DHF: Ok, sorry. How about an offense more predictable than a bowel movement 20 minutes after Chipotle?
Santa: Now you're talking son, that I can handle. I mean, heck, even ole sweater vest opens it up from time to time. Wait... Boy, did you know Ken O'Keefe is stilling calls there in Iowa City?
DHF: Yes sir, sorry.
Santa: Boy, stop wasting my time.
DHF: Ok, how about a defense where linebackers, not named Greenway, don't cover slot receivers?
Santa: Boy, you are trying my patience.
DHF: Wait, I know it. All I want in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD is our number one returning freshman wide receiver to return next year.
Santa: That's it your out of here!
DHF: But Saaaaannnnnnttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa