Sally Mason makes the tough decisions.
"Moped Rule" sweeps the nation.
SUI Keystone Kampus Cops demand and receive AR-15s to prosecute 3 a.m. raids on drug-addled adolescents who bench 300.
Hillary cackles, again. Huckabee says, "God doesn't want trace marijuana in his lanky (urban) children. And get a bicycle."
(We all know that Iowa football players need to conduct themselves in a manner both laudable and, naturally, consistent with how boosters in Goldfield or Hampton expect their imported athletes-of-color to behave. That is, like nice Scandahoovian boys who would never, ever get high unless it was in the farm truck out by the reservoir with a cooler of PBR.
(We all know that teenage moped infractions and playing music too loud in one's dorm while blazing on a Friday night are firing offenses and good gosh, having one infraction of each in a year are offenses punishable by termination. Each is a profound indicator of future success in life. Now the two leading presidential contenders, similarly shamed by youthful indiscretions, have owned up to their obligations to THE CHILDREN, IT'S ALL FOR THE CHILDREN, WE MUST SET EXAMPLES FOR THE CHILDREN, and bowed out of the presidential race. Shamed, each of them.)
Sodom-Gommorah-- February 24 -- The fall elections were thrown into turmoil today as SUI Kampus Kops announced their latest bust. National commentators, between nips at their flasks, immediately branded the move "The Arvell Rule", referencing one of the miscreants who rode a moped illegally, and, red-eyes watering and eyelids drooping, limply pointed at the open nickel bag next to his Calc 1 textbook, sitting there on his dorm room desk while armed university Kops surged through Hillcrest early Saturday morning. "Yup. Thass mine."
When news of the Arvell rule reached John McCain's campaign, campaign director Rick Davis said,
"While we don't remember whether or not Senator McCain ever had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist who looks just like his wife did before he met her while he was still married to someone else, errrr, an inappropriate moment or two with a moped, which I doubt, but he did have this Norton Commander for a while, anyway, this raises serious doubts about our ability to continue, because, basically, McCain drank Bud by the case for 10 years and once buzzed the Pensacola tower in a pilfered T-34 while throwing his empties into the slipstream and as I said, I don't know who Vicki Iseman is, either. Clearly we, for the benefit of the country, we must now withdraw. Out of shame and personal inadequacy. No one like McCain, with his youthful feisty alcoholic pirate aviator binges and pranks, deservers to be President. The Arvell Rule. Well. Have fun with the Huckster."
Barack Obama, whose wayward cocaine-fueled fits of Ivy League achievement has allegedly caused white supermoms everywhere to leave little vials of the white stuff for their Ivy-aspiring children to try, was similarly stunned.
"I can only hope that changes will come, changes will come. The country deserves better than such as I, such as I. In the parable of Arvell and the moped, I see only the culpability of the young and the failure of hope. And my own personal inadequacies. If you can stand that nasal-packed scold Hillary, I guess your choice is clear. At least there will be one candidate in the race who speaks in compound sentences without dragging God into it. OTOH, there are consolations. My wife looks a lot better in a pants suit."
SUI president Sally Mason provided this comment:
"Thankfully our swift armed reaction by our rapid reaction force in order to crucify this unsubtle dolt Arvell is another meaningless gesture in a year of same. It's not like we don't have 15,000 other bingeing illegal underage drinkers on our hands, but I can only make an example of a few big dudes who had the temerity to make fun of their RA at 2 a.m. We're now releasing the AR-15s from inventory, in the terrifying event Bohall drives the Kohler bus next week. He got off easy last time. It's lonely up here at the top. I know how Petraeus must feel."
Head Football Coach Kirk Ferentz, who never cared much for weed one way or the other and especially not if Jonathon Ogden happened to relax most evenings with a drag, said, "Fuck."
James Ferentz, currently the most visible teetotalling 18 year-old in eastern Iowa, sighed and said, "Does this mean that for the next 5 years I'm gonna get bed-checked at 8 p.m.?"
Norm Parker said only, "Two words and an acronym. Bob Sanders, OWI." Then he poured himself another Booker Noe.
Iowa National Guard has loaned the university six decommissioned Hummers to assist in maintaining order. "Anything to help President Mason maintain street-by-street security and order. Of course, downtown Iowa City on Friday night is off-limits, sorta like Fallujah in 2003. Those people are crazy."
Jake Christensen, shifting nervously on his feet, and no doubt remembering that Arvell-conspirator James Cleveland at times seemed to be the only D-I receiver to throw to last fall, said, "Oh, man." Christensen has since been placed under suicide watch.
Rick Stanzi (illegal alcohol possession, 2007), said, "And? What?"