Let's take this one in a different direction. Ethnic Quasi-Hipster Man, take it:

Moustache, indeed. The Iowa basketball team is woefully bereft of them. That's a shame, because they imbue cosmic powers. This is indisputable. Jim Leyland has a moustache, and he's a 130-pound angerball made of dynamite and profanity. He's also the top manager in baseball, barely beating out the guy from Major League, who also has a killer 'stache and a gravelly voice. Shaquille O'Neal has always had a moustache, and he's the most dominant player of this generation. The one from the previous? Larry Bird. Moustache.

Joe Tiller has a moustache and he's the second-most tenured football coach in the Big Ten, behind only a brains-starved undead mangoblin in Happy Valley. Dave Wannstedt has a moustache, and he single-handedly derailed West Virginia's shot at a championship and ran Rich Rodriguez out of town. Hayden Fry is the greatest coach in Iowa history. Mooooustache. Mike Ditka. Oh yeah. Andre Ware and his moustache won a Heisman. Iowa's only had one Heisman winner, and that was Nile Kinnick. He didn't wear a moustache to the Downtown Athletic Club, and two years later, he was dead.

Daniel Day-Lewis will win an Oscar for best actor, and wouldn't you know it, he rocked an incredible moustache in There Will Be Blood. This is not a surprise. Freddy Mercury, Wilford Brimley, Jeff Hostetler. All American heroes. All iconic moustachiers.

Do you disagree? Do you think the Gornstar doesn't need a Gornstache? Do you think Todd Lickliter doesn't need to look like this? Then you are stupid and we can't be friends. Iowa is 5-9 in the conference, and will not crack .500 until someone on that team is taking a small bit of Pomade and curling the ends of his 'stache in a villainous fashion.

Moustache.