SO I SAID FINE, WE'LL DRIVE OUR WIDE RECEIVERS OUT TO THE FOOTHILLS AND STRAND THEM, AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DID
WE NEVER DID SEE TERRY SMITH AGAIN
Sir, if you don't mind, I have to fini
BUT THAT WAS NOT THE WORST EXPERIENCE WITH A RECRUIT I HAD
WHEN WE WERE RECRUITING DJ DOZIER BACK IN 1984, HE INFORMED ME THAT HE HAD A TERRIBLE CASE OF TURF'S TOE, AND WALKING WAS PAINFUL. I WAS DETERMINED TO GET HIM ON CAMPUS BECAUSE HE WAS A TERRIFIC ATHLETE AND A TERRIFIC YOUNG MAN. SO AS SOON AS HIS MOTHER'S CAR PULLED UP, I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HIM AND PUT HIM ON MY BACK, AND HE RODE ME DURING HIS ENTIRE 48 HOURS ON CAMPUS
Sir, that's ludicr
USING THE LAVATORY AND SLEEPING WERE TERRIFIC CHALLENGES BUT WE MANAGED
I'm sure you did. May I finish this report? We need to get it sent to the AD's office by tomorrow.
BY ALL MEANS, I WILL BE WATCHING GAME TAPE IN MY OFFICE
(several minutes later)
THEY ARE FUMBLING ALL OVER THE PLACE
(knocks, opens door slightly) Coach? I don't mean to interrupt your "film session," but there's something you need to know.
THIS IS THE WORST OFFENSIVE LINE IN YEARS
For one, you're watching basketball. And it's in fast forward.
I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY
Anyway. I was right. Pay up.
THIS IS A DEEP FRIED BULLSHIT PATTY BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF LIES
Yep. Twenty bucks. I knew it.
THIS DOES NOT PROVE A DAMNED THING. I AM SURE HE JUST ATE TOO MANY FIESTA NACHOS
No way. You lose, Mr. Paterno! Admit it!
JIMINY CHRIST, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE
Is everything okay?
JAY WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S CLEAVAGE BRINGS YOU TO MY WORKPLACE
Other than the fact that I'm the quarterbacks coach?
THAT WAS SUCH A HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm glad you're here. Jay, would you mind explaining to your father exactly what this article says?
Hmm. Oh yeah, Fergie's pregnant, dad. Totally knocked up. Probably twins.
THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE
Dad, how would that be impossible? Did you bet that she'd... what, never be a mom or something?
TWENTY DOLLARS SAID THAT THING HAS A PENIS AND NO DISTENDED BELLY IS GOING TO TELL ME OTHERWISE
Oh god. Yeah dad, she's a chick, and she's definitely pregnant.
What do you mean definitely? I mean, the article says that she said it's not true and her publi
Well for one, she told me a couple days ago.
WHAT, YOU SPOKE TO THE HE-MEDUSA AND YOU WEREN'T TURNED INTO A TERROR-WROUGHT STATUE
Oh, something like that.
SON, IF YOU SAY WHAT I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY, IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE
Heh heh heh.
THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN KI-JANA CARTER STOLE THE PRESIDENT'S LIMOUSINE AND DROVE IT INTO LAKE ERIE, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I THOUGHT LIMOUSINES COULD FLOAT
You did all the hard work for me, Dad. After you told her she had a penis
...she came into my office very upset and needing to be comforted. So I "comforted" her.
I may be sick.
Five minutes of sweet-talking, and it was Spread HD, baby! Whooooo! Right there on the desk!
WAS SHE CIRCUMCISED
Dad, she's a woman! She is ALL woman! Yeah!
SO YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A GRANDCHILD AND IT IS WITH A TRANSVESTITE
For the last time. She's a chick. Guys don't have ovaries or a uterus or pert brea
I HOPE YOU ENJOY RAISING A CHILD WITH A GIANT UNCUT JOHNSON STICKING RIGHT OUT OF ITS FOREHEAD