[Do NOT scroll down unless you are at work, with your office door locked, and you are in charge of IT. It's SFW only be y the slimmest of technicalities, which means it is functionally NSFW. Again, do not view at work unless you are a lawyer for Playboy.--OPS] [Never mind, we're safe. Mind the co-workers when you get to the cleavage, though.--OPS]
Okay, so you ponied up the money for the plane ticket, hotel room and game tickets to watch the Hawks cock-knock the Ol' Balls Coach. But do you really know what you're doing in Tampa? What do you need to know in order to maximize your fun level at the Outback Bowl? Well you are in luck. As a veteran of Iowa's past trips to Raymond James Stadium and a total of four Outback Bowls, Cornshoe Hammaker is here to help.
First things first. Tailgating. Hawk fans have a proud tradition of being able to "bring it" when it comes to game day partying. Now the folks in the ess-ee-cee like to think that they are pros when it comes to early-day intoxication. Let's show them how wrong they are. Case in point, two years ago Penn State vs. Tennessee. The Vols did a good job of showing colors, but when it came to the drinking, the Nittany Lions were able to show "Big Ten Power"
I love JoePa THIIIIIISSSSS much! And Miller Lite.
Now having braved Melrose on many a Saturday morning in the fall, I know first-hand what Iowa fans are capable of. The parking lots next to the stadium open at 7 a.m. on New Year's Day. I'll be there bright and early, I'll expect to see you there. Don't wuss out. Don't say you are too hungover from the night before. Man up, get up and get yourself a drink. You do it all the time back in Iowa City. Show some school spirit.
And speaking of school spirit, now is not the time to hold back on how to express it. You've waited all year for this bowl game. It's going to be sunny and 70 degrees. You froze your ass off at the Penn State game. And the Purdue game. Make the most of this game and the location its being played in.
(link for our Hawkeye Hottie, just for HFMR, NOTE: don't click on this if you are at work, in a public library, at your grandma's house, in church or have a general aversion to breasts- Cornshoe)
Next, if you've got lower-level tickets, enjoy them. Cherish them. If you've got nose-bleed seats, find a "ticket relocation specialist" and trade up. Otherwise, you will be depriving yourself of watching your Hawks kick ass up close.
Wow, I can see Dallas Baker torching Antwan Allen from up close!
Now, don't let bad officiating ruin your entire trip. If you see anyone dressed as an official and they are from Conference USA. Stop them. Beat the shit out of them. By no means let them into the stadium. Or else this could happen...
Of course if you are tailgating prior to the game and you see officials who look like this, well that's an entirely different story.
Appearing after the game down the street at Mons Venus.
I hope this guide has been helpful to you and safe travels if you are heading to Tampa. If you see me, and figure out who I am, come on over and say "hi", I might just give you a beer.