Hawkeye State is a founder and senior member of Black Heart Gold Consulting, an Iowa-based firm that specializes in strategizing and public relations.

Greetings, Cyclone fans.  As you may or may not know, Iowa State is currently looking for a head football coach after the sudden departure of Gene Chizik.

That's where we come in.  Jamie Pollard, while good at screwing fans in the ass  speaking in the third person somehow making Applebee's even less cool making money, has struggled mightily with choosing coaches.  He fired Dan McCarney.  Chizik, the replacement, was more or less an abject failure in his two seasons at ISU, going 5-19 (or, as Cyclone fans see it, 1-1), before bolting for Auburn in the dark of the late afternoon.  Pollard fired basketball coach Wayne Morgan and hired Greg McDermott.  Since then, McDermott is 35-37 in two and a half seasons.  Yikes.

The problem, of couse, is that Pollard didn't use an executive search committee.  Why put the decision in the hands of a man who doesn't have the time to stop conning people into buying Iowa State football tickets and pick a coach?  Let BHGC Executive Placement help with your coaching search.  You won't be sorry.

Our Proposed Candidates

Turner Gill (Head Coach, Buffalo)

Positives:  Coming off the most successful season in the history of Buffalo Bulls, finishing 8-5, winning the MAC Championship, and grabbing the first-ever bowl appearance at the functional equivalent of a non-BCS Iowa State.  Ties to the conference and the region as a former Nebraska quarterback. Top-shelf potential choice of every program with an open job and a basic understanding of Loving v. Virginia.  Clearly wants out of Buffalo at any cost (and that video was from last season).

Negatives:  Creates a nightmare scenario for all parties involved; Gill wants Nebraska, so he must keep Iowa State afloat until Bo Pelini is fired for incompetence or returned to Area 51.  In the back of his mind, Gill knows he might never be worth more as a coaching commodity and should make a move up, but Iowa State is a coaching graveyard.  Building a winner in the parody-happy MAC is probably easier than starting from scratch with no recruiting base, larger programs everywhere you look, and the likes of Oklahoma, Texas, and Missouri on next year's schedule.  That's to say nothing of the immediate rumors that would surround Gill every time a coaching job opened, and the effect of those rumors on an already-scorned fanbase.

Dan McCarney (Defensive Line Coach/Co-Defensive Coordinator, Florida)

Positives:  He's by far the most successful coach in Iowa State history (and this is the year of the old fart Big 12 North successful coach resurrection).  The man has proven mediocrity can be achieved in Ames, and mediocrity is a significant upgrade at this point.  Would never leave if hired.  Could return by walking off a Marine landing craft into a foot of water while smoking a pipe like he's Douglas MacArthur coming back to the Philippines.

Negatives:  Didn't exactly leave on the best of terms (the picture above was from his last game as head coach).  Would garotte Jamie Pollard with a dryer hose if given the opportunity.  Is too busy winning games for the first time ever.

Cyclone Body Paint Guy (Area Douchebag)

Positives:  If your goal is to be as asstastic as possible, he's your man. Clearly willing to embarrass himself on national regional local television, which is a prerequisite of being the head football coach at Iowa State.  While many programs have adopted a system of coded signs for signaling plays, Cyclone Body Paint Guy is the only one to write his signs on a pizza box.

Negatives:  Home economics major.  Spends valuable film study time working on his makeup.  His bitchassness will guarantee the transfer of Darius Darks.  Changing the uniforms from the current Southern Cal ripoffs to idiotic fuzzy hats and body paint will cost the university all the money it will receive from Cash4Gold.com for the leftover Chizik coins.

Pop Warner (Former ISU Coach; Supporter of Kids Playing Football)

Positives:  Warner coached Iowa State from 1895-1898, winning more games (17) than any other Cyclone coach has ever won over a four-year period.  Coached three other schools (Georgia, Carlisle, and Cornell) while coaching Iowa State, so imagine how good he could be if he focused on one team.  It was under Warner's watch that Iowa State purchased its current scoreboard from a local Indian tribe, paying two pelts and a packet of beads.  Supported the creation of local leagues for young children to play football (which is a great idea), giving him a natural in for recruiting 8-year-olds.

Negatives:  When he last coached, the forward pass was considered illegal (in honor of its greatest coach, Iowa State has never completed a forward pass; every time a quarterback attempts such a maneuver, the intended receiver knocks the ball to the ground with his hands solely out of respect for the former coach).  Warner is currently 137 years old and, therefore, likely the Highlander.

Larry Eustachy (Drunk)

Positives:  The last truly successful coach Ames has had in any sport.  Wardrobe of mock turtlenecks easily transfers to the gridiron.  Fun on road trips.  The frat parties in Ames (and Columbia, and Lawrence) haven't been the same since he left.  Propositioned "recruits" in between games of beer pong.  Owns a kickass recreational vehicle.

More Positives:

Yeah, he's our pick too.

Randy Brown (Former Assistant Basketball Coach; Pedophile)

Positives:  The man shows commitment: He took the girls-too-young-for-you angle worked by Larry Eustachy and ran with it in new and completely despicable ways.  Identified a number of potential recruits who can meet Iowa State's rigorous academic standards during recent stint in federal medium-security prison.  Guaranteed that, no matter how many Hawkeye athletes are arrested, Iowa fans have the ultimate trump card.

Negatives:  Recruiting is an obvious concern; his court-ordered tracking bracelet limits Brown to recruiting "in-state," and he's not allowed to enter a high school.

Santa Claus (Deliveryman)

Positives:  Weight problem and ZZ Top-inspired facial hair would make annual battles with Mark Mangino hilarious.  Already has the school colors worked into his daily wardrobe.  After losing his first 17 games as coach, could placate irate fans by having his elves build and distribute cans of Skoal wintergreen.

Negatives:  His "cookies and milk" training regiment is quite controversial and reminiscent of Lloyd Carr.  Plus, Ames is a far bigger shithole than the North Pole.  This is a lateral move at best.

Leon Trotsky (Pinko Marxist Commie Bastard)

Positives:  He knows what it's like to be stabbed in the back by a former ally, and he won't ever do it to you.  Excellent motivator and recruiter.  Preferred choice of Wolverine Liberation Army, if that means anything to you.  Loves the color red.

Negatives:  He's been dead for almost 60 years.  Then again, so was Jim Walden.