The Zook Murders: Escalation, Climax, Denouement

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

 

In a motel room in Florida. A helicopter is parked above room 206.

Blonde_medium  Wow, that was the best sex ever!

Iconreman_medium  It was good. Good like America. J's gotta sleep now.

Blonde_medium  But I want to talk to you and run my fingers through your luscious, flowing, All-American mullet!

Iconreman_medium  I know, baby. Five minutes then I'm out cold.

Blonde_medium  Mmm. So soft. So what does the J stand for?

Iconreman_medium  Justice.

Blonde_medium  Of course, you're the real Captain America. Wait, what's this on the back of your neck?

Iconreman_medium  What do you mean?

Blonde_medium  It looks like a... computer chip. Can I take it out?

Iconreman_medium  Watch the hair.

Blonde_medium  Got it. What's "Zooker?"

Iconreman_medium  Give.

Lemanzookchip_medium

Iconreman_medium  That silver fox bastard. (crushes chip in hand)

Blonde_medium  What's going on?

Iconreman_medium  This is a Televiro CX400. We learned about these in Freedom Squad. You can control someone's mind remotely, just with a text message from any standard phone.

Blonde_medium  But how?

Iconreman_medium  The chip reverses the cortex polarity and bypasses the neuron mainframe. Once the software decodes the text and pumps it onto your cerebrolobe, you're helpless. That text message makes you a zombie until your brain tells you the task is done. And there's only one person I know who prefers to get things done by text message.

Zookgolfcart_medium

Iconcell_medium  BEEP

Iconcell_medium  GO THROW RASHARD MENDENHALL INTO A DINOSAUR'S MOUTH

Iconreman_medium  No wonder I blacked out between Freedom Squad and that shithole storage yard. He had me kill two innocent men. Two real American men.

Blonde_medium  Oh no, baby! Oh, no! What now???

Iconreman_medium  I'm going back to Illinois. For Justice.

Blonde_medium  You mean you?

Iconreman_medium  No, justice the concept, not Justice the Leman. I've got 14 bullets left, and I'm going to need all of 'em.

Blonde_medium  I... I'm coming with you! I have to! I love you!

Iconreman_medium  Sure thing, baby. First I gotta wash our love off me, then let's roll. While I'm in there, you let me know if I get any of those text messages.

Blonde_medium  You got it, Justice.

Iconreman_medium  Call me J.

Five minutes later...

Iconcell_medium  BEEP

Blonde_medium  (stirs)

Iconcell_medium  BEEP

Blonde_medium  Baby? Baby, your phone just beeped a couple times.

The bathroom door opens, and steam billows out.

Iconreman_medium  Cool.

Blonde_medium  Come get some lovin'.

Iconreman_medium  Not now. We gotta drive.

At the football complex in Champaign...

Blonde_medium  That was a quick drive.

Iconreman_medium  Always is when you're fueling up with freedom. Oh boy, here come the armed guards. It's about to get rough, baby.

Iconsoldier_medium  Ret's see some papers.

Iconreman_medium  You know who I am.

Iconsoldier_medium  Yes we do J Reman. Come with us ow things wirr get vewy, vewy haiwy. You and youw rove srave don't want that, do you?

Iconreman_medium  I'll tell you what I want:

Gun_medium  BANG

Iconreman_medium  Revenge.

Iconsoldier_medium  He kirred him! Kirr him back!

Gun_medium  BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Iconsoldier_medium  Dawwwww we'we arr dead now! /dies

Icondufrene_medium  I have to stop you!

Iconreman_medium  Daniel Dufrene! I can't kill an unarmed Fighting Illini in uniform!

Icondufrene_medium  You stay out, J! You just turn around and leave us be!

Iconreman_medium  How about you leave this be.

Fist_medium  PUNCH

Icondufrene_medium  OH SHIT OW OW OW MY JAW IS SHATTERED TIME TO COVER "THROUGH THE WIRE"

In the Zooker's office...

Iconsecretary45_medium  You mean I don't have to be his love slave?

Iconsecretary_medium  Oh no, honey. You think Joe Tiller's getting his rocks off with his secretary?

Iconsecretary45_medium  Well, no, I guess, but Ron's really insistent on it.

Iconsecretary_medium  You do know that's sexual harrassment, right?

Iconsecretary45_medium  I guess so--oh shit, I think I hear shooting.

Iconsecretary_medium  This is the third time this week! Champaign must be a total shithole. Call me later.

Iconsecretary45_medium  Bye, Secretary!

Iconsecretary_medium  Bye, Secretary.

Iconsecretary45_medium  There's more gunshots.

Zookicon_medium  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SHIT THE ZOOKER IS ROLLIN BABY LET'S GET THOSE PANTS OFF

Iconsecretary45_medium  Ron, people are shooting people. Now is not the time!

Zookicon_medium  Hang on, lemme chirp my Korean mercenary guard. Sun Woo, talk to me! Ni hao ching chang chong

Iconcell_medium  Sorry, Zooker. We're all out of Chinese. How about some Freedom Fries?

Zookicon_medium  Oh shit, it's J Leman! You killed all my guards!

Iconreman_medium  You hijacked freedom and made it a bloodthirsty monster. You killed a real American, Bobert, your brother. And you killed the most decorated coach in college football history, Lou Holtz.

Zookicon_medium  What?! Why the fuck did you kill Lou Holtz?

Iconreman_medium  You told me to.

Zookicon_medium  No I didn't!

Iconreman_medium  But he was right there with Bobert. You wanted me to kill Bobert.

Zookicon_medium  Well yeah. Oh hell, this is too weird. Why don't you come by my office and we'll have a beer and talk about it, coach to player!

Iconreman_medium  I'll be there. (click)

Zookicon_medium  Get the gun, Secretary. Time to end this.

A few minutes later...

Zookicon_medium  C'mon in. Say, J, who's the lovely lady?

Blonde_medium  My name is Hot Blonde From Google Image Search. You can call me Myrtle.

Zookicon_medium  Well it's great to meet you, Myrtle. You and J have sex yet?

Iconreman_medium  Like a hundred times.

Zookicon_medium  Now look, J. A coach has things he needs to get done, and his players aren't there to question why or how, their job is to get the job done. You understand that, right? You're a soldier! You're in Freedom Squad! You don't second-guess the commanding officer!

Iconreman_medium  This isn't Freedom Squad. This is Fascism Squad. And your brother just paid the ultimate price. I'm sorry, but I'm here to stop the Zooker's roll. Permanently.

Iconreman_medium  (brandishes his firearm)

Gun_medium  CLICK

Gun_medium  CLICK

Zookicon_medium  Well, well.

Blonde_medium  You're out of bullets!

Iconreman_medium  How in the hell are you still lying in a bed? Where did you get a bed?

Zookicon_medium  Time to put you on your deathbed, Leman! Secretary, the gun! Now!

Iconsecretary45_medium  The what?

Blonde_medium  J, do something!

Zookicon_medium  Secretary!

Iconreman_medium  The doors are locked!

Zookicon_medium  Goddamn it, Sugarpussy, when I tell you to do something, then

Gun_medium  BANG

Zookshot_medium

Iconsecretary45_medium  That's Mrs. Sugarpussy to you, Zooker.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, at the Notre Dame coaching offices, Charlie Weis convenes his high council.

Weisicon_medium   If Lou sold us out, we're in trouble.  Believe me, a lot of trouble.
Patrickduffyicon_medium   Has anyone been able to get in touch with Lou?
Davieicon_medium  I've been trying all night.  He might be shacked up.
Patrickduffyicon_medium  Lou never sleeps over with a broad.  He always goes home when he's through.
Weisicon_medium  Give him a ring.

[The door opens.  Clausen enters]

Davieicon_medium   Hey, Jimmy.  I thought I told you to stay put.
Clausenicon_medium  Well the guys at the gates *cough* they say they got a package.
Weisicon_medium  Yeah?  Willingham, go see what it is.
Clausenicon_medium  You want me to hang around?
Weisicon_medium  Yeah, hang around.  You feeling alright?
Clausenicon_medium  Yeah, I'm fine.
Weisicon_medium  There's some food in the icebox.  You hungry or anything?  How about a little drink?  Some brandy to sweat it out or something?
Clausenicon_medium  Yeah, sure, that might be a good idea.

[Clausen gets a drink and exits]

Weisicon_medium  Davie, I want you to take care of that son of a bitch right away.  Jimmy sold the old man out.  Make that the first thing on your list, understand?
Davieicon_medium  Understood.
Weisicon_medium  Tomorrow, get a couple of guys, go over to Lou's apartment, wait for him to show.  Someone try Lou again...

[Ty Willingham enters with the package and tosses it in Weis' lap]

Weisicon_medium  What the hell is this?

Holtzfish_medium

Patrickduffyicon_medium  It's an old Sicilian message.  It means Lou Holtz sleeps with the fishes.

[Charlie Weis angrily gets into his car and drives away.]

Davieicon_medium  Charlie!  Charlie!  C'mon!
Weisicon_medium  You get the hell away!

[Charlie approaches a toll booth]

Toll-booth-workericon_medium   One dollar, sir
Weisicon_medium  Here ya go
Toll-booth-workericon_medium  [Drops the change]
Weisicon_medium  [Looks around nervously]

Weisicon_medium  Wait a second, this isn't a tollbooth attendant, this is a Civil War cannon!
Iconcannon_medium   BOOM
Weisicon_medium  [Brains splatter across the windshield]
Iconpresser_medium   Sir?
Iconcornshoes_medium  Cornshoe Hammaker rides again!
Iconpresser_medium  Mr. Paterno?
Iconjoepa_medium  AND THEN ARA PARSEGHIAN KILLS THE GUY WHO PLAYED PHIL LEOTARDO BECAUSE LEOTARDO TOLD HIM TO GET HIS SHINEBOX
Iconpresser_medium  Mr. Paterno
Iconjoepa_medium  MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE THANK YOU
Iconpresser_medium  We've been sitting here for 25 minutes listening to this asinine fantasy, but now you're just ripping off The Godfather.  Can we talk about the polls?
Iconjoepa_medium  OH GOD THE POLES

Iconjoepa_medium  THOSE NO-GOOD KRAUTPUPPETS HAVEN'T DONE A DAMN THING FOR EUROPE EXCEPT FEED THEIR CHILDREN HAND GRENADES AND DIRT

Iconpresser_medium  I don't get what that means.

Iconjoepa_medium  I ONCE HAD A POLISH LINEBACKER BY THE NAME OF PAUL POSLUZSOMETHING, AND HE HAD AN IQ OF RETARDED. WE HAD HIM CONVINCED THAT THE FOOTBALL WAS A SECRET WEREWOLF BOMB SO DANGEROUS THAT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE THE FUSE. WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS A FIERY INTENSITY BEST SUITED FOR THE LINEBACKER POSITION WAS ACTUALLY A FRANTIC EFFORT TO KEEP THE BOMB FROM EXPLODING AND TURNING BOTH FRIEND AND FOE INTO WEREWOLVES

Iconpresser_medium  No, like the Coaches Poll!

Iconjoepa_medium  DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A POLACK AGAIN YOU SPANIARD BASTARD

Iconpresser_medium  We're leaving. You have the worst press conferences ever.

Iconjoepa_medium  DO NOT DARE LEAVE BEFORE TY WILLINGHAM'S DOOZY OF A SOFTSHOE NUMBER

Iconsecretary_medium  A-hem.

Iconjoepa_medium  GOOD JESUS WE OLD PEOPLE SURE ARE RACIST

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