HATE BOWL: A Pep Talk from Lou Holtz

There is one man gladly straddling the HATE BOWL fence: Lou Holtz, who earned a Masters degree from the University of Iowa as a graduate assistant in 1960, then served one season as the head coach at Minnesota in 1985.

Both teams asked Holtz - well-known for his ability to motivate large young men - for a halftime pep talk.  Lou, always wanting the love of everyone, couldn't decide which team deserved it more, so he gave a pep talk to both teams:

   MEN
  TODAY YOU PLAY FOOTBALL AGAINTH YOUR GREATETH ADVERTHAWY.  YOU FATHE THE HAWKEYETH.  YOU BATTLE THE GOPHERTH.
  IOWA AND MINNETHOTA HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THETHE BATTLETH FOR A HUNDWED YEARTH.  BOTH HAVE WON.  BOTH HAVE LOTH.  BOTH HAVE FATHED ADVERTHITY, AND BOTH HAVE OVERCOME THAT DIVERTHITY.
  I FATHED ADVERTHITY MANY TIMETH.

  IN NINETEEN THEVENTY THIX, I LEFT NORTH CAROLINA THATE TO COACH THE NEW YORK JETH.  DETHPITE MY BETH EFFORTH, WE THTUNK.  JOE NAMATH WATH OUR THIGNAL CALLER.  WE WERE THE ONLY THEAM IN THE WORLD FEATHURING A FULLBACK.  OUR BEST DETHENTHIVE PLAYER WATH JOHN EBERTHOLE.  GOLLY GEE WHILLICKERTH, WE THUCKED.
  THO WE ARE THREE AND TEN WITH ONE GAME TO PLAY, AND THE NEW YORK PRETHTHTH ITH ABTHOLUTEWY THUFFOCATING. 
  [tears up newspaper; magically puts it back together]
  ATH IF THAT WATHN'T ENOUGH, WE FINITH THE THEATHON AGAINTH THE THINTHINNATI BENGALTH.  THAM WYTHE WATH COATHING THEM, AND THEY WERE THUPER.
  THO, GIVEN THE THIRCUMTHANTHETH, I DID WHAT ANYONE WOULD DO: I QUIT AND WENT TO ARKANTHAW.
   That's what I did!
  THATH WHAT ANYONE WOULD DO, BOBBY PETWINO!

  BUT THAT WATHN'T THE END OF THE ADVERTHITY FOR ME, GOLLY GEE NO
  A THEW YEARTH LATER I WATH THE COATH AT MINNETHOTA GOPHERTH.  I TOOK THAT TEAM TO THE INDEPENDENTH BOWL, AND I WATH GOING TO COATH THAT GAME TOO, BUT THE FIGHHTING IRITH CAME CALLING FOR OLE LOU HOLTH.
  [Takes off Notre Dame hat, pulls out rabbit]
  I DID WHAT EVERY MAN WOULD DO.  I LEFTH MY TEAM FULL OF IMPRETHIONABLE YOUNG MEN TO THEND THOR ITTHELVTH.
   That's what I did!
  THATH WHAT EVEWY MAN WOULD DO, NATHI RICH RODRIGUETH!
  I'M THORRY, I DID NOT MEAN TO CALL YOU A NATHI AGAIN.  GOOD GOLLY I DO THAT A LOT.
  [Saws woman in half]
  MY POINT ITH THITH:  THOMETHIMETH THE EATHY ROUTE ITH TO RUN AWAY FROM ADVERTHITY.  BUT THE EATHY ROUTE ITHN'T ALWAYTH THE RIGHT THREET
   KEEP RUNNING AWAY THROM YOUR PROBLEMTH AND YOU TOO WILL THOMEDAY FIND YOURTHELF IN BRITHOL CONNECTICUT, WEARING A HILARIOUTHLY OVERTHITHED NECKTIE, AND THALKING TO A BUMBLING INCOHEWENT MOWON
  That's what I do!
  THATH WHAT I DO TOO, WEETH DAVITH!
  [Has Mark May wrap him in chains; climbs into old-timey bank safe; emerges unscathed]
  THO MEN, PUT ON THOTH GOSH DARN THOULDER PADTH AND DAD GUM JOCK THRAPS AND GET OUT THERE!  FAITH YOUR ADVERTHITY HEAD ON!  DON'T RUN AWAY THROM YOUR PWOBLEMTH!
  AND ALWAYTH REMEMBER, IT COULD BE WORTH:  YOU COULD BE FROM WITHCONTHIN.
  LETH GO.