Joe Paterno Makes A New Friend

A sunlit office. A man sits, forlorn, staring out the window at an empty practice field. He sighs, but to one deaf ear, as a secretary is enraptured by her telephone call.

Iconsecretary_medium  Uh uh!

Iconsecretary_medium  He has remote locks on his office?

Jaypa_medium  Secretary.

Iconsecretary_medium  Uh uh!

Jaypa_medium  Secretary!

Iconsecretary_medium  You did not!

Jaypa_medium  AHEM.

Iconsecretary_medium  Girl, that is murder! How you gonna explain that to the police? You know they won't believe Freedom Squad was--

Jaypa_medium  SECRETARYYYYYY

Iconsecretary_medium  I gotta go. You call me tonight.

Iconsecretary45_medium  Kay!

Iconsecretary_medium  Can I help you, Jay?

Jaypa_medium  Where's Dad?

Iconsecretary_medium  I don't know, his schedule said there's no practice Monday or Tuesday.

Jaypa_medium  Well, he never came home from Iowa.

Iconsecretary_medium  Jay, you know how he gets after a loss. I'm sure he just took the quadra-car out for a spin with Uncle Bobby.

Jaypa_medium  But he should be home by now! Usually he takes the last off day to just sit in the den and get loaded off Hendricks and cucumbers in a miniature football helmet. I don't think he ever came back to Penn State.

Iconsecretary_medium  Well then where would he be?

On a cold, wind-swept street...

Iconjoepa_medium  IT HAS BEEN TWO DAYS AND I STILL CANNOT FIND THAT DASTARDLY TEAM PLANE

Iconjoepa_medium WHERE AM I

Iconjoepa_medium  GOOD HEAVENS THAT GIANT BREAST IS MADE OF GOLD

Iconjoepa_medium  THEY PUT TWO FLAGS ON THE NIPPLE

Iconjoepa_medium  GOD BLESS AMERICA

Joepadome_medium

Meanwhile, at the IMU down the block, a TV set sits in the lobby, and dozens of young men with product in their hair and stylish dress shirts wait anxiously.

Iconproducer_medium  Camera checks?

Iconcamera_medium  They're good, Producer.

Iconproducer_medium  Thank God. Tell me you also checked the teleprompters after they were hooked up and went through the entire script. I can't have Jim flying blind again. Where is that crazy bastard, anyway?

Iconcamera_medium  He said he was going to have a quick smoke.

Iconproducer_medium  How long ago was that?

Iconcamera_medium  Uh... twenty minutes ago.

Iconproducer_medium  ...?

Iconcamera_medium  Uh oh.

Outside...

Iconjoepa_medium  TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT DASTARDLY BEN BERNANKE

Cramer7_medium

Iconcramer_medium  HE KNOWS NOTHING! NOTHING! THIS IS INSANITY, IT'S NUTS!

Iconjoepa_medium  I LIKE YOU

Iconcramer_medium  THIS ECONOMY NEEDS REAL HELP! THIS IS ALL INSANE!

Iconjoepa_medium  YES IT IS

Iconcramer_medium  AND THEY KEEP FIDDLING WITH THE INTEREST, AND I TELL YOU, STOP IT, FOR THE GOOD OF THE FREE WORLD, BEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Iconjoepa_medium  YES YOU DIRTY SPANIARD BERNANKE

Iconcramer_medium  BERNANKE IS SPANISH?! THAT'S INSANE AND IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!

Iconjoepa_medium  YES

Iconproducer_medium  There you are!

Iconcramer_medium  I HAVE TO GO, THIS IS NUTS, THIS IS IDIOTIC, DO SOMETHING!

Iconproducer_medium  God, I hate it when you snort glue.

The show begins, much to the delight of the white people at the IMU and watching nationwide.

Iconcramer_medium  HI, I'M JIM CRAMER. II'M SO GLAD TO BE HERE TODAY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA! AND AS MANY OF YOU CRAMERICANS KNOW, THE REAL THREAT TO OUR ECONOMY CAN COME FROM OVERSEAS! BUT I AM NOT, NOT! NOT, PEOPLE, NOT! TALKING ABOUT THE FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS WE HAVE TO THE CHINESE OR THE SLUMPING NIKKEI! SMALL POTATOES, IT'S INSANE!

Iconcramer_medium  I AM TALKING ABOUT THE SPANIARD MENACE, AND IT'S RIGHT HERE INSIDE OUR BORDERS!

The next 17+ minutes are uninterrupted racism, xenophobia, and irrational hatred for anything with an "o" at the end of its name, since it sounds too foreign to be trusted. Producer Lady cannot stop the madness, as her daily "self-medication" has lulled her into an angel's repose long before now. The gathered crowd is shocked into total silence, and ratings quadruple.

Iconsecretary_medium  Maybe there's something on TV.

Jaypa_medium  Come on, the press would tell us before they reported anything. I'm his son!

Iconsecretary_medium  Let's just check.

Jaypa_medium  Dad's not going to like you touching his TV!

Iconsecretary_medium  Dad's not here.

Icontv_medium  BWOOOOOP!

Icontv_medium  ...the dangerous socialist leanings of...

Iconsecretary_medium  Figures, Fox News.

Icontv_medium  ...Obama's children--(click)

Icontv_medium  --nnah Montana's femur was snapped after a tragic scaffoldi--(click)

Icontv_medium  --Home Depot--(click)

Icontv_medium  --ed by Zero! Saved b--(click)

Jaypa_medium  Ugh.

Icontv_medium  --POOR DISPOSITION AND ANGER THAT MAKES THEM UNFIT FOR--(click)

Icontv_medium  --ometric pressure will be falling through the...

Jaypa_medium  Wait, go back.

Iconcramer_medium  (click)--YTHING LESS THAN SLAVERY! tTHIS IS NUTS!

Iconsecretary_medium  Oh god.

Cramerpsu_medium

Iconsecretary_medium  Well, that's wonderful.

Iconjoepa_medium  ALSO, JIM, THEIR WOMEN HAVE AN ODD NUMBER OF TEETH

Iconcramer_medium  SO TRUE! ONCE AGAIN FOLKS, MY SPECIAL GUEST IS LEGENDARY COACH JOE PATERNO, AND WE HAVE HAD IT WITH SCANDINAVIANS AND THEIR SEXUAL DEVIANCY! IT HAS TO STOP WHEN THEY TRADE AMERICAN MONEY TO SOVIETS IN EXCHANGE FOR POTATOES WITH SEX ORGANS! IT'S ILLEGAL AND IT'S BAD FOR AGRICULTURE!

Iconsecretary_medium I'll get the private plane. I'm also taking $45,000, because we're definitely going to have to bail him out of Johnson County Jail. God damn it.

Jaypa_medium  Thank god we're playing Indiana.

Iconsecretary_medium  Still say we need a Hannibal Lecter cart for that old crazy bastard.

Iconjoepa_medium  FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH

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