Joe Paterno Makes A New Friend

A sunlit office. A man sits, forlorn, staring out the window at an empty practice field. He sighs, but to one deaf ear, as a secretary is enraptured by her telephone call.

  Uh uh!

  He has remote locks on his office?

  Secretary.

  Uh uh!

  Secretary!

  You did not!

  AHEM.

  Girl, that is murder! How you gonna explain that to the police? You know they won't believe Freedom Squad was--

  SECRETARYYYYYY

  I gotta go. You call me tonight.

  Kay!

  Can I help you, Jay?

  Where's Dad?

  I don't know, his schedule said there's no practice Monday or Tuesday.

  Well, he never came home from Iowa.

  Jay, you know how he gets after a loss. I'm sure he just took the quadra-car out for a spin with Uncle Bobby.

  But he should be home by now! Usually he takes the last off day to just sit in the den and get loaded off Hendricks and cucumbers in a miniature football helmet. I don't think he ever came back to Penn State.

  Well then where would he be?

On a cold, wind-swept street...

  IT HAS BEEN TWO DAYS AND I STILL CANNOT FIND THAT DASTARDLY TEAM PLANE

WHERE AM I

  GOOD HEAVENS THAT GIANT BREAST IS MADE OF GOLD

  THEY PUT TWO FLAGS ON THE NIPPLE

  GOD BLESS AMERICA

Meanwhile, at the IMU down the block, a TV set sits in the lobby, and dozens of young men with product in their hair and stylish dress shirts wait anxiously.

  Camera checks?

  They're good, Producer.

  Thank God. Tell me you also checked the teleprompters after they were hooked up and went through the entire script. I can't have Jim flying blind again. Where is that crazy bastard, anyway?

  He said he was going to have a quick smoke.

  How long ago was that?

  Uh... twenty minutes ago.

  ...?

  Uh oh.

Outside...

  TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT DASTARDLY BEN BERNANKE

  HE KNOWS NOTHING! NOTHING! THIS IS INSANITY, IT'S NUTS!

  I LIKE YOU

  THIS ECONOMY NEEDS REAL HELP! THIS IS ALL INSANE!

  YES IT IS

  AND THEY KEEP FIDDLING WITH THE INTEREST, AND I TELL YOU, STOP IT, FOR THE GOOD OF THE FREE WORLD, BEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

  YES YOU DIRTY SPANIARD BERNANKE

  BERNANKE IS SPANISH?! THAT'S INSANE AND IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!

  YES

  There you are!

  I HAVE TO GO, THIS IS NUTS, THIS IS IDIOTIC, DO SOMETHING!

  God, I hate it when you snort glue.

The show begins, much to the delight of the white people at the IMU and watching nationwide.

  HI, I'M JIM CRAMER. II'M SO GLAD TO BE HERE TODAY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA! AND AS MANY OF YOU CRAMERICANS KNOW, THE REAL THREAT TO OUR ECONOMY CAN COME FROM OVERSEAS! BUT I AM NOT, NOT! NOT, PEOPLE, NOT! TALKING ABOUT THE FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS WE HAVE TO THE CHINESE OR THE SLUMPING NIKKEI! SMALL POTATOES, IT'S INSANE!

  I AM TALKING ABOUT THE SPANIARD MENACE, AND IT'S RIGHT HERE INSIDE OUR BORDERS!

The next 17+ minutes are uninterrupted racism, xenophobia, and irrational hatred for anything with an "o" at the end of its name, since it sounds too foreign to be trusted. Producer Lady cannot stop the madness, as her daily "self-medication" has lulled her into an angel's repose long before now. The gathered crowd is shocked into total silence, and ratings quadruple.

  Maybe there's something on TV.

  Come on, the press would tell us before they reported anything. I'm his son!

  Let's just check.

  Dad's not going to like you touching his TV!

  Dad's not here.

  BWOOOOOP!

  ...the dangerous socialist leanings of...

  Figures, Fox News.

  ...Obama's children--(click)

  --nnah Montana's femur was snapped after a tragic scaffoldi--(click)

  --Home Depot--(click)

  --ed by Zero! Saved b--(click)

  Ugh.

  --POOR DISPOSITION AND ANGER THAT MAKES THEM UNFIT FOR--(click)

  --ometric pressure will be falling through the...

  Wait, go back.

  (click)--YTHING LESS THAN SLAVERY! tTHIS IS NUTS!

  Oh god.

  Well, that's wonderful.

  ALSO, JIM, THEIR WOMEN HAVE AN ODD NUMBER OF TEETH

  SO TRUE! ONCE AGAIN FOLKS, MY SPECIAL GUEST IS LEGENDARY COACH JOE PATERNO, AND WE HAVE HAD IT WITH SCANDINAVIANS AND THEIR SEXUAL DEVIANCY! IT HAS TO STOP WHEN THEY TRADE AMERICAN MONEY TO SOVIETS IN EXCHANGE FOR POTATOES WITH SEX ORGANS! IT'S ILLEGAL AND IT'S BAD FOR AGRICULTURE!

I'll get the private plane. I'm also taking $45,000, because we're definitely going to have to bail him out of Johnson County Jail. God damn it.

  Thank god we're playing Indiana.

  Still say we need a Hannibal Lecter cart for that old crazy bastard.

  FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH