Welcome to this week's "M.S.U." edition of TAGOS! No, "M.S.U." doesn't stand for Michigan State. I mean, okay, it does, but not here. Today, it stands for "Making Shit Up," which is what we'll be doing for the next several hundred words. Let's get to know the SPARTAAANS! the best way we know how--without doing any research.
QB Brian Hoyer (Sr.): Hoyer is the emotional leader of the Spartan offense, and it's easy to see why. Armed with a quick arm and a quicker smile, Hoyer can break up the tension in a huddle or a film session with ease. Hoyer likes Miller Lite, NASCAR, and his bulldog Fart. The rascal rightie even tattoed "MADE IN THE USA" on the dog's stomach with arrows pointing to its unneutered scrotum, despite animal cruelty laws specifically prohibiting the practice. Ever the prankster, Hoyer "proposed" to his girlfriend of five years, only he handed her a box without a ring, just a "YOUR [sic] FIRED" note crumpled on the inside.
TB Javon Ringer (Sr.): Ringer is arguably the hardest worker in college football, running the ball over 40 times a game in a strategy that cannot possibly fail. Ringer, a 4.0 Economics major, embraces this gameplan. Amid growing worries about the state of the US economy and the concurrent skyrocketing taxes on the wealthy under likely President Obama, Ringer longs to live in Canada, and a healthy, safe senior season would make that impossible, as he would likely be drafted within the first four rounds of next season's draft. If Dantonio wears Ringer out and the diminutive tailback can't crack 4.60 in the 40-yard-dash at the NFL combine, he's all but assured to be shipped off to Saskatchewan, just in time to avoid the 2009 American Credit Wars. No, seriously, there will be actual violent wars. It'll be Wells Fargo tellers with guns and bombs going off in every Citigroup building known to man.*
WR Mark Dell (So.): Dell was the violent dictator responsible for over a million of deaths in Southeast Asia during the late 1970s. He escaped to Thailand after Vietnam's invasion and subsequent collapse of the Khmer Sparty Green party. Dell faked his own death in 1998 after two decades of shadow rule, again escaped (this time to East Lansing), and worked his way into the starting lineup within two years. Despite being a septegenarian former despot, Dell is lightning-fast and will not hesitate to murder an opposing defensive back on the field if he feels the coverage is too tight.
LT Rocco Cironi (Jr.): Uh... his name's Rocco... hell, I don't know, just pick some dude from the Sopranos and that's him. Except that AJ twat.
RG Roland Martin (Sr.): Poor Roland. He remembers all of them, of course, he's no animal. But he thinks about you all the time. He remembers the sweat clinging to your bodies in that motel room in Ypsilanti, the Kid Rock on the radio that you both said you hated but wouldn't turn off, and that feeling that you were both living the first day of the rest of forever. But football doesn't take time off, and neither could he, and while he says he wants you, you can't help but think that what he really wants is 2006 all over again. Time changes everyone, though; he's a starting lineman, and you have mauve armrests. So you both run, he on the field, you (more metaphorically, of course) from yourself. Both from the truth. He wouldn't even know what to say to you if he saw you on the street some day. Would you?
The doubts will always poison this, sadly, because that's what doubts do. He wonders if you'd love him if he wasn't an athlete, young and carefree. You wonder if he'd even want you if he didn't have such an intense fetish for quadriplegia.
DT Justin Kershaw (Sr.): Justin Kershaw is the team's foremost authority on the Pokemon franchise and is proud to tell anyone who will (or won't, really) listen about his acquisitions. Dantonio, understandably, would prefer his mammoth guard to engage in activities not usually eschewed by people by the time their 15th birthday rolls around, but as the coach admits, "[a]t least he'll never, ever get an STD, ever."
MLB Adam Decker (Jr.): Decker was the dominant force in the Alabama State Senate from 1993 to 1998, passing comprehensive health care reform for the uninsured and calling for tougher budget control on lotteries and other gambling measures. He was defeated, however, by Republican Mitch Connor after a News 9 investigation showed Decker had been receiving money from the controversial Gay Nazi Muslim Elitist Federation Against America. Decker was exiled to Minnesota, where he suffers to this day.
P Aaron Bates (So.): Is the team's best cross-stitcher. Once shit a squirrel; damned thing's still alive and running around the locker room.
K Brett Swenson (Jr.): Is sorry, Aaron, ate his chocolate squirrel.
And there you have it. Based on that eclectic mix of personalities, I'm just certain Iowa will win by 10 or whatever.
*Somehow nobody will be injured. If American banks can't make money, what makes you think they're at all capable of killing?