Langley AFB, Virginia. Hundreds of young men with crew cuts, and one with a flowing mullet, train as a sergeant fifteen years their elder barks orders.

  AT EASE MAGGOTS

  TIME TO GO BACK TO THE MESS HALL

  I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT EVERYTHING

  TEN HUUUUUT

  Hey, surfer boy! You, with the hair!

  Hey.

  Some of the guys were checking with intel, and they think that you're the J Leman.

  Yeah.

  Awww, no way! You turned down the #1 pick in all of football to defend freedom! That's so rad!

  If I didn't do it, we wouldn't have a National Football League. It would be a National Fascism League. Me, I'm interested in a Neverending Freedom League.

  Then you saved America from terrorists!

  We slam-dunked it.

  High Five! Let's go eat some food!

  Hey, new guy, only civilians don't call it "food."

  Oops.

  Chow.

  Surprised you didn't know that.

  Daww, it's just, you're J Leman. Nobody else would be badass enough to train for Freedom Squad in a necktie!

  Double Windsor, triple freedom.

  YEAH! Wait, where are you going? It's chowtime!

  Helicopter maintenance pad. I don't get hungry. I get freedom.

  That doesn't make sense but it's still awesome!

In a sunlit office in Champaign or Urbana, wherever those buttfuckers play...

   He was there, Titty Sprinkles! He was supposed to stay in Florida!

  My name is Secretary!

  Secretary? Try Sugarpussy! My job is in jeopardy! My life is in jeopardy! My curlies turned white and they're fallin' out! I. am. not. ROLLIN.

  I just don't get it! Why can't you be near him?! It makes no sense!

  We share powers! Brothers do that! And I got all the intensity, and he got all the mellow!

  And the smell?

  I got all that too. He got the moustache.

  I didn't think brothers could

  WE CAN, ALL RIGHT? AND IF HE TOUCHES ME ONCE, JUST ONCE, I REVERT TO NORMAL RON, AND I REVERT TO NORMAL SLEEP!

  And?!

  IT'S RETROFUCKINACTIVE! I'LL BE ASLEEP FOR THE NEXT EIGHT MONTHS! I'LL NEVER HAVE A JOB AGAIN! I'LL BE RUINED! I WILL BE TOO FUCKING BUSY BEING POOR AND FUCKING HOMELESS TO EVER BE ABLE TO DO THIS

  OR THIS

  EVER FUCKING AGAIN! NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A TEXT FUCKING MESSAGE TO SEND.

  FINE! (leaves)

  Goddamn impossible to get a decent slob job around here. This place is nothing like Gainesvegas.

  THE T9 FOILS ME AGAIN! THIS BETTER NOT BE FORESHADOWING A FATAL FLAW IN MY PLAN

Back at Langley...

  Hand me a lugnut, Hammaker.

  Sure thing, Leman.

  BEEP

  Doooowwwwwww

  Must kill ancestors.

  What?!

  BEEP

  Doooowwwwwww

  Must kill Bobert.

  Who's Bobert?! What's going on? Does Freedom Squadron Command know about this?!

  BANG

  AW SHIT FUCK DAMN BALLS MY KNEES, YOU SHOT BOTH MY KNEES WITH ONE GUN BULLET

  Time to helicopter to Pensacola.

  FREEEEEEEEEDOM :-(

TO BE CONTINUED