IOWA WAS ONE INCH AWAY FROM 18-0 IN THE BIG TEN LAST YEAR

This is the face of perfection.

And that one inch just so happened to go across Jarryd Cole's ACL. Don't believe the insanely incendiary headline? I don't give a fuck, it's true. It's true because somebody way above my pay grade said it, so I'm in no position to question the truth. I'm not on that media filter tip, plus I have Iron Man on pause and I don't have three hours to spend trying to outthink anybody. 

Anyway, here's what we're dealing with. At media day earlier this week, somebody asked starting point guard Jeff Peterson a simple question: how many more games would Iowa have won with injured power forward (and new captain) Jarryd Cole. Peterson's response, we're sure, was completely serious:

Asked at Iowa’s basketball media day Monday how many more games the Hawkeyes would have won in the Big Ten a year ago with a healthy Jarryd Cole on the court, the sophomore guard served up a lightning-quick answer.

"All of them. We would have won all of them. We’re putting that all on Jarryd,’’ Peterson said, flashing a smile.

ALL OF THEM! Where's the national media on this? In no way could Jeff Peterson have been joking, because athletes don't joke. As small-time athletes like us know, we've been in locker rooms, and they're more somber than a Supreme Court hearing. And that's after wins. 

But Jarryd Cole is back, and GOOD LORD is he ready for play. I don't know what you were like at 19 years old, but it sure as shit wasn't this:

Lickliter said Cole has run a mile around 5 minutes, 30 seconds, usually where Lickliter wants his guards to run.

"When you say 'a hundred percent,' I'd like to be his hundred percent. I'd be pretty good," Lickliter said. "I think he's bench pressing over 300 pounds."

JESUS TITFUCKING RUSTY TROMBONING CHRIST, PETERSON WASN'T LYING. Jarryd Cole, at 6'7", 250 pounds, is a fucking freak of nature and we think he earned his captain's role by eating Tony Freeman without chewing. Go on, tell Cole he doesn't deserve to be a captain. See what happens. We'll even call your parents to tell them the bad news while Cole picks your intestines out of his teeth with a utility pole. Casey McMillan, I never thought I'd see the day, but you have met your match. Also, please do not kill me.

So this is it, Iowa. 18-0 is your benchmark for 2008. We'll take your word for it in April how you've done (champions, undoubtedly); it's not that we're fans, it's that we'll be spending the entire season in our bunker, fearful of the nuclear weapons necessary to stop the threat to the world that is Jarryd Cole.