Celebrity Big Ten Jeopardy

[Pre-emptive Terrorist Fist Jab to TOGTM]

Wf1_medium

Welcome to Blogger Jeopardy. I'm your host, Will Ferrell's impression of Alex Trebek, and we have quite a contest in front of us. In third place, with negative $4,400, is Governor of Alaska and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin!

Sarah_palin2_medium

Thank you Will Ferrell Alex, and I'm just so happy to be here with Americans as we celebrate a great institution called learning and such as to exchange ideas and facts without the media filter and job creation is just not a scary thing under that umbrella as he rears his own head and how is that even possible heads don't even have rears or not places to rear themselves anyway and did you know Barack Obama is a terrorist?

Iconferrell_medium Wonderful. In second place with negative $3,100, an old friend of ours who still has not taken off that oversized hat, Burt Reynolds!

Funnyhat_medium

That's not my name.

Iconferrell_medium Fine, Turd Ferguson.

Iconburt_medium Heh. Funny name.

Iconferrell_medium No it is not. And finally, an even older friend of the program, with no dollars and a missing buzzer, all the way from Happy Valley, Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno!

Iconjoepa_medium MISTER PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU

 

Iconferrell_medium Mr. Paterno

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Iconferrell_medium has requested that we call him Mr. Paterno.

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Iconburt_medium Hey talking guy. Check it out.

Radiothreesome_medium

Iconferrell_medium And it appears Turd Ferguson has changed his name once again to Dick Biggington.

Iconburt_medium Ha! It's a funny name. Dick Biggington.

Iconferrell_medium No it isn't.

Iconburt_medium It means I have a large penis.

Iconferrell_medium No it does not.

Iconburt_medium Funny name.

Iconferrell_medium We have quite the Double Jeopardy in front of us, so let's look at the topics. They are:

Iconferrell_medium New Offensive Schemes In 2008, not many of those, Potpourri, Modern American Literature, which we will skip, Coaches, Food Is Yummy, and finally, Big Ten Teams in Minnesota. Governor Palin, you haven't come close to answering a question correctly or even coherently, but since rules dictate that the contestant in last place chooses the first category, I regret to inform the audience that the board is yours.

Iconpalin_medium I'm goin' to choose Joe Six-Pack!

Iconferrell_medium That is not a category.

Iconpalin_medium Poot'n?

Iconferrell_medium No.

Iconpalin_medium Joooe Sixp--

Iconferrell_medium NO

Iconjoepa_medium MISTER SIXPACK WILL BE FINE THANK YOU

Iconpalin_medium That! That one!

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Iconferrell_medium No! For crying out loud, let's start with New Offensive Schemes for $200. "This oft-maligned quarterbacks coach and his offensive approach that has rolled over opponents." Mr. Paterno, you may know this.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT IS THE SINGLE WING

Iconferrell_medium Incorrect.

Iconjoepa_medium THE T-FORMATION

Iconferrell_medium It's not your turn, and no.

Iconjoepa_medium THE REVERSE COWGIRL

Iconpalin_medium That's how I made Trig and he came out extra retarded!

Iconferrell_medium What?! Stop it. Dick?

Iconjoepa_medium NO THANK YOU

Iconburt_medium Yeah uh, it's football.

Iconferrell_medium No.

Iconburt_medium Yeah it is. They play football.

Iconferrell_medium Yes, but that's

Iconburt_medium Colors for a thousand.

Iconferrell_medium For the last time, football is incorrect! The correct response was, "what is Jay Paterno and the Spread HD?"

Iconjoepa_medium DO NOT DARE USE MY DAMNED PROSTITUTE SON'S NAME IN FRONT OF ME

Jaypa_medium (runs out of Radio City Music Hall crying)

Iconferrell_medium As much of a raging success that last question was, let's switch gears to Coaches for $200. And the answer is, "This icon was named the 'Big Ten's Sexiest Coach Feature' in 2007, beating out Ron Zook's muscles and Bill Lynch's 11-inch mansausage." Yes, Ms. Palin, you rang in first?

Iconpalin_medium Well, I certainly can answer that question, Alex. You see, Alaska shares a narrow maritime border with Russia, and we can see them from our state if the skies are clear and we're on an uninhabited island and we're looking at their uninhabi

Iconferrell_medium Time.

Iconpalin_medium In what respect, Charlie?

Iconferrell_medium Time's up.

Palinstare_medium

Iconferrell_medium When did you change into a pink shirt? Yes, Mr. Paterno.

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU, THE ANSWER IS KIRK FERENTZ'S GAMS

Iconferrell_medium What? Good lord, no. Mr. Biggington will not be ringing in, as he has wandered away from the stage once again. The correct response is, what is Joe Tiller's Mustache? Good heavens, even Terri Schiavo would dominate you people.

Iconjoepa_medium I WOULD LIKE TO CHOOSE A CATEGORY

Iconferrell_medium Sure. Fine. Whatever. I'm drinking either way.

Iconjoepa_medium I REQUEST THE AMERICAN LITERATURE FOR $600 PLEASE, THANK YOU

Iconferrell_medium I cannot recommend that, but you've done enough damage in the easy categories anyway, so here we go. This Alice Walker book was adapted into a movie that earned Whoopi Goldberg her first and only Oscar. I will be stunned if anybody gets this. Yes, Burt?

Iconburt_medium Dick.

Iconferrell_medium Whatever.

Iconburt_medium Yeah, what's a ham sandwich?

Iconferrell_medium No.

Iconburt_medium Ham sandwich.

Iconferrell_medium NO. Come on, people. This is what LTP's dick looks like with his team at 5-0. Mr. Paterno?

Iconjoepa_medium I ONCE MADE WHOOPIE WITH A YOUNG LASS, PROBABLY NO OLDER THAN 16 WERE EITHER OF US. WHAT FUN WE HAD FROLICKING ALONG THE BANKS OF THE ALLEGHENY AND EXPLORING OUR YOUNG, NUBILE FRAMES WITH INVITING FINGERTIPS, MOUTHS, AND ANI. THE TWIST IS THAT AFTERWARDS SHE TOLD ME HER LAST NAME WAS GOLDBERG. THAT IS MY WHOOPIE GOLDBERG STORY

Iconferrell_medium This nothing to do with

Iconjoepa_medium DO NOT INTERRUPT ME, YOU HEATHEN RAPSCALLION. LONG STORY SHORT, I HAD TO GO HOME AND TELL MY FATHER I HAD CONTRACTED THE DREADED JEWISH CHLAMYDIA. I COVETED MONEY FOR A DECADE AND SAW MY FORESKIN DECREASE EXPONENTIALLY

Iconferrell_medium I'll just end this one now before we lose even more viewers and just say incorrect. The Color Purple, people? Anyone?

Iconburt_medium Light urple?

Iconferrell_medium No! You want to take this one, Mrs. Palin?

Iconpalin_medium Food.

Iconferrell_medium Food for what?

Iconpalin_medium For our world view?

Iconferrell_medium No, for what amount? $200?

Iconpalin_medium Our world view?

Iconferrell_medium Are you always this dense?

Palinstare_medium

Iconferrell_medium You know what? Forget it. Let's move on to Final Jeopardy now for the good of all humanity. You're all catastrophically in debt to Merv Griffin Enterprises after this episode, so we'll just forgive the debt of whoever comes halfway close to answering this question correctly: Who is the movie "Rudy" about?

 

Iconferrell_medium It could be the namesake of the movie... his nickname... perhaps his alma mater... even their nickname is good... Jon Favreau was in the movie, why not name him? That would be a win... anything at all, related to the movie, and you win. Anything that you can associate to the movie or even the word  "Rudy" and you win. Anything.

Iconferrell_medium Time is up, and here are our answers.

Iconferrell_medium Governor Palin, you wrote... "No Socialism Fear The Black Guy." Wow.

Iconpalin_medium I'm just a hockey mom!

Iconferrell_medium The absolute worst in our nation's history. And you wagered... White Power with a dollar sign. Wow. Mr., um, Biggington, your response?

Iconburt_medium I didn't write anything.

Iconferrell_medium Best answer yet. Mr. Paterno

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Iconferrell_medium Say something, anything, about Rudy and you win. And your response? "I STRUGGLED TO KEEP MY TEAM INTERESTED IN 1973 WHEN WE BEAT A MIDDLING NCSU TEAM BY SIX TO KEEP OUR UNDEFEATED SEASON ALIVE. WE DESERVED TO LOSE THE GAME, WE DID. SO I FOUND A GOAT AND THAT IS WHERE THE FUN BEGAN." Okay, I'm not giving up on this. Did you kill it?

Iconjoepa_medium GOD YES

Iconferrell_medium Was it named "Rudy"?

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconferrell_medium Do you understand that if you say the word "Rudy" you automatically win on account of your opponents are drooling retards?

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconferrell_medium Oh goddammit.

Iconjoepa_medium SO RUDY THE GOAT STARTS

Iconferrell_medium Aha! I knew it! JoePa wins! Get me the hell out of here! Good night, people!

Iconjoepa_medium WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO

Iconjoepa_medium THE GYMNASIUM HAS GONE DARK

Iconjoepa_medium AND SO HAS MY PROSTATE

Iconjoepa_medium GOOD NIGHT PEOPLE

Iconjoepa_medium COME TO PENN SHTAAATE

 

 

Editor's note: Due to TLDNR constraints, we could not address the following answers from Mr. Bixel. Ironic, really, since the only reason we said we'd participate was the Hawkeye State question. Our contestants insisted we address these questions after the fact, so fine, whatever.

Who is Hawkeye State?

Iconpalin_medium He is those who would question our freedom.

Iconjoepa_medium A JEW

What is Brains?

Iconjoepa_medium BRAAAAAIIIINS

Iconpalin_medium Oh no!

Iconjoepa_medium OM NOM NOM

Iconpalin_medium DERRR HARRRR WILLIAM AYERS

Iconferrell_medium Okay, so JoePa just, uh, what's a nice way to put this? Uh, he just gave Governor Palin tickets to Syndrome of A Down. Let's say that.

Iconpalin_medium THEY DON'T LOVE AMERICA! ^_-

Anyway. We also didn't get to these:

Who is Terrelle Pryor?

Iconjoepa_medium A JEW

Who is Mark May?

Iconburt_medium Fifth month of the year. Gimme Colors for a million.

Who is Rich Rodriguez?

Iconjoepa_medium A JEW

Iconferrell_medium Fuck it. You're right, JoePa. A guy named Rodriguez is a Jew. You're right.

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Best wishes to Bixel and TOGTM, and thanks for hosting this total trainwreck. There's A Game On Saturday? will run Friday afternoon. Run for your lives.

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