I Hope You're Not Leaving the Locker Room Like That

Todd Lickliter,
Head coach

ANN ARBOR, MI--Congratulations on the win, gentlemen! It's not easy to win on the road, but we did it!

Tony, you were outstanding! Nobody's scored 28 points at Crisler in over a month! Let's all give Freeman a hand here. Awesome. Way to go.

And also, my second game ball goes to Cyrus Tate! Yes, the Virus! You came up big, huge double-double. 21 point is a career high, right?? Awesome. We're making great strides here.

All right, that's enough from me, most of you guys look like you're finished getting dressed, so let's clean up a bit and get out of here. The bus is waiting. I've got to use the restroom before we go, so I'll see you guys up there.

(five minutes later)

Whoo. Should not have added the jalapenos last night. Ouch. Better hit the lights and... oh, no.

No, no, no.

(Todd hustles to the bus)

All right, guys. Very funny. Nice joke. Let's get back to the locker room.

What? You'd better goddamn well know what I'm talking about.

Fine, you little bastards. The way you left the locker room is a fucking disgrace, and you're going to clean it up before we go anywhere! Now off the bus!

NOW!

Tony, you shitpacking titfucker. Do you see this athletic tape? Do you know what brand it is? No? Do you think maybe it's Coach Lick Has Retard Disease brand? NO?! Then I don't know where the fuck you got the idea that it's all right to try to fuck me like this! You don't leave it stuck to the inside of the trash can, you make sure it's at the bottom! Who taught you manners, Hitler?!

Speaking of Hitler, holy hell Gorney, I don't want to kill you, but I do want to put a gold star on you and keep a murderous eye on you. You are this close to getting curb stomped. You think folding a towel twice is enough? Huh? Because I'm sure as shit going shove a Pear of Anguish up your puppet hole more than twice, you overgrown mongoloid.  

And I swear to God if I see one dribble of piss on the ground next to the urinal, you're all getting an axe to the back of the head. I spent the entire off-season watching Frailty and you'd better fucking believe Otis is a real goddamn stickler for sanitation.

(six minutes later)

All right. That's better. Leave a room cleaner than how we found it, that's what I say. This was no big deal, right? Right. Okay. Let's go home.

Yes, Jeff. You're very observant. The bus is gone. Buses aren't for slobs. I knew this day would come, so part of my contract included a whip and a sled from the Iditarod. Just in case. It's not even 450 miles. We all strapped in? Great. Now mush, you ungrateful swine! MUSH!

Todd Lickliter is a guest columnist for BHGP. He also takes no shit.

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