You Can't Spell 'Myopic' Without 'Michigan Wolverine Football...Yup.'
by Patrick Vint on Jan 15, 2008 9:24 PM CST
in Iowa Hawkeyes News
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Wait, is that Steve Buscemi's leg?
For the record, we were cautiously terrified of Rich Rodriguez to Michigan. But we made that calculation back when we thought Rodriguez was a football coach and not, well, a sleazebag.
First, RichRod bolts out of Morgantown in the dead of night like the bastard stepson of Art Modell. Then RichRod goes on Jim Rome (yeah, I know) and slams Ryan Mallett because the kid had the audacity to consider transferring out of a system that relies on a running quarterback and is actively pursuing Terrelle Pryor.
Those moves really just make you a dick. But we aren't done; apparently, on his way out of Morgantown, RichRod did his best Arthur Andersen impersonation:
West Virginia officials are wondering if assistant coaches aren’t all that Rich Rodriguez took with him to Michigan. They believe he may also have destroyed all or most of the paperwork files relating to every player on the current Mountaineer roster and virtually all of the activities conducted by the program over the past seven years.
Soon after returning to work after the Fiesta Bowl a little more than a week ago, the staff at the Puskar Center found that most of the files — including all of the player files — that had been stored in Rodriguez’s private office were missing. In addition, all of the players’ strength and conditioning files in the weight room were gone.
"It’s unbelievable. Everything is gone, like it never existed,’’ said a source within the athletic department, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "Good, bad or indifferent, we don’t have a record of anything that has happened.’’
According to the source, the files in Rodriguez’s office that are now missing included everything from records regarding summer camps — financial and otherwise — to data on boosters, recruiting and most everything related to activities within the program during Rodriguez’s seven years at WVU.
Most disturbing, though, is the absence of all of the players’ personal files, which included, among other things, contact information, scholarship money awarded, class attendance records and records on personal conduct and community service, be it positive or negative.
This is specious to say the least. Recruiting and summer camp notes? Financial records? Booster rolls? Training schedules and results? The training notes are especially intriguing, given Michigan's new S&C coach and his love of "bioenergetics":
"The science of bioenergetics is the basis of our conditioning program. It's all designed scientifically to meet the end needs of an athlete who plays in a given position under Rich Rodriguez."
Sure thing, Victor Conte.
While the rest of the football world gave a collective "Whawhawhaaaa?", MGoBlog,* not exactly a rock of journalistic integrity, spent most of the day on other Rich Rodriguez matters. For instance, we learned:
- RichRod walks on ice like a penguin.
- RichRod is not very good at shooting hockey pucks under a board.
- RichRod refuses to let some little kid take a shot at said hockey puck/board game.
- The S&C coach took Pac Man Jones under his wing. And discipline is supposed to be his strength.
- Michigan basketball sucks.
As for the shredding, Brian is curious but hardly worried:
Why would Rodriguez shred all this stuff?...Michigan fans: because he knew crazy WVU officials/FOIA-toting fans would go over the documents with a fine-toothed comb and attempt to nail him on every piddling recruiting violation like "called five minutes late."
Yeah, or he wanted to destroy all evidence of a continuing scheme under which Rodriguez would take booster (read: Arab oil) money, funnel those funds through tax-free municipal bonds, then send the now-clean cash to trainer Brian McNamee so WVU players could spend their offseasons getting "the Roger Clemens treatment." Of course, Rodriguez and his coaches and players were required to pledge allegiance to Ayatolla Khomeni in order to get access to that dirty oil money.
In other words, this evidence leads to only one conclusion: Rodriguez and his staff are islamofascists.
"Hail to the Victors!...Oh yeah, and death to America."
The truth** hurts, doesn't it, Michigan? The truth hurts indeed.
* -- We keed, we keed. We love MGoBlog.
** -- Might not be the truth.
HT: The Charleston Gazette, via EDSBS and Run Up the Score
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Bravo
You've certainly aroused the overbearing, arrogant anger of my fellow Michigan fans with this one.
I give it 3 thumbs up!
by dex @ Black Heart Gold Pants on Jan 16, 2008 11:32 AM CST reply actions
HS, great job as always
However, the best thing about this post by far, is the comment thread on mgoblog's response. Those comments alone make this post sheer genius. Or sheer geniusier. Sheerier genius, maybe?
Whatever. At any rate, the comments have turned the whole thing into a Kaufmanesque "joke's on you" type of thing.
I wonder how many of them think The Colbert Report is real?
by Bucketochicken on Jan 16, 2008 11:59 AM CST reply actions
[shakes head]
Here come the mgoblog trolls.
Quick, someone post some flight tracking information on here to distract them!
Embarassing?
Obviously you're not a frequent reader. This is par for the course.
But, for your sake, I did some research, and there are corrections to make:
(1) Michigan made their vow of allegiance to Ayatollah KHAMENI, not Ayatollah Khomeni (pictured).
(2) Steve Buscemi's leg was in a wood chipper, not a paper shredder.
The staff of BHGP wish to apologize for these grievous errors in reporting. We will do better in the future. We promise.
I guess
Ohio isn't the only state in the union where everyone is born without a sense of humor. I think Brian blew out a few veins. Wonderful stuff, HS!
You're right
When we have a cadre of illiterate jackasses who write in with such witty comments as:
"First!"
"OMG u got sooooo pwned!!"
"UM rulz"
...we will have made the big time.
It's a shame those famed "educational standards" in Ann Arbor don't apply to their fans.
Finding Brian's loyalty
Here's what I don't get... Islamofascists are loyal. Michigan fans are clearly Islamofascists. Yet, Brian's loyalty is "unfound." Perhaps, he's not a Michigan fan after all.
The post
by Son of Jorel had me shooting Foster's Lager out my nose and all over my moniter.
HS: Did you order the Code Red?!?
Brian: You're damn right I ordered the Code Red!!!
I'd like to move to an immediate S 28E hearing
The blogger has rights.
by Patrick Vint on Jan 16, 2008 1:36 PM CST up reply actions
You
I'm satirizing you, anonymous hero.
OK, seriously, I'm satirizing everyone. This story broke, and there were precisely three reactions:
Non-UM, non-WVU: Holy crap! There's obviously something seriously wrong here! Everyone, let's start jumping to conclusions!
WVU: Rabble rabble rabble rabble [sets fire to couch]
UM: [sticks fingers in ears] LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA THAT'S NOT A GRAVEYARD I'M WHISTLING PAST LA LA LA LA HOW ABOUT THAT RICH RODRIGUEZ LA LA LA LA LA!
First, let's just get the fact out of the way: There might not be anything here, and WVU might still be showing it's pissed. So Rodriguez shredded files; Brian's right that they're probably available on computer somewhere. But the knee-jerk response from everyone to either (1) immediately attack Rodriguez, mostly because he's been kind of an ass, or (2) immediately defend Rodriguez, mostly because it's all West Virginia's fault, was absurd. The measured response was noticeably absent (Brian was probably about as measured as anyone, save for wink-wink-nudge-nudge praise of the S&C guy for his handling of Pac-Man which, even if true, has to make you laugh; the guy attended the draft at home, and accepted his draft position with a chalice in his hand). Is Rodriguez an ass? It looks like he might be, but that isn't a disqualifying factor for being a good football coach and a moral person.
The point being, nobody even knows if there is smoke yet; let's not immediately assume it's a grease fire or a dying match.
Two steps forward, two steps back
We come together because opposites attract.
Oh, and I'm Mr. Gold Pants, and I approve this message.
by Patrick Vint on Jan 16, 2008 2:23 PM CST up reply actions
egg-head?
I can't keep all of you anonymous meatwads straight, but either way, it's Mr. Gold Pants to you.
and...
I'll slap a J for jackass on your fucking face. Come back when your own attempt at sarcasm is funny and not pompous and boring.
Actually...
Your post is proof that the satire here is brilliant. And yes, you can still have a sticker.
Just to be clear -
My post above was in response to A.H.'s jackassery, not to your response to said jackassery. I know you're one of the good guys (despite that "dmb" bit in your name!).
And what the hell, you can have a sticker too.
Stickers for everybody!! Yaaaaaaaaaaayy!!!!
by Bucketochicken on Jan 16, 2008 2:55 PM CST up reply actions
I blame Willingham
Ever since this hire was announced, Michigan fans have acted like Domers. That is worst than being Islamofascist.
Calm down, dipshits, and Go Blue.
by CrimeNotes on Jan 16, 2008 3:08 PM CST reply actions
Now I know
this is the best site ever. First, we have pictures of OPS's junk, and now Cameltoes.
Ain't America great!!
steps forward, sheepishly
I'm... Cameltoes.
by jebushchrist on Jan 16, 2008 3:54 PM CST up reply actions
what I think is funny
Is there are still comments on mgoblog to the effect of "Iowa sucks. Go eat some corn."
Here at BHGP we've regressed (progressed?) from this post, to the mgoblog post, to A Few Good Men, to gold pants, to Spartacus, to incontinence, to Paula Abdul, to American Idol, (kind of) back to Michigan football and its fans, and then peaking (in my opinion) with cameltoes.
All that's left...
...is "mooseknuckles," paying our tab and going home.
by Bucketochicken on Jan 16, 2008 4:07 PM CST up reply actions
Crumbs?!?
OK, why am I eating boogers when there are crumbs? Whose fucking job is it to tell me we have crumbs?!?!?1/! Heads will fucking roll!
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