Oh, the Absurbity of it All

ITEM! We're not much into the pornography business here at BHGP. We have our fetishes, to be sure (JHC: redheads; The Statesman: midgets little people, OPS: CNBC*), but by and large we take care of those needs with others, as sex is a beautiful, natural act shared with as many people possible. And since little people, like slaves, only count as 3/5 of a person, well, you know where this one's going.

Anyhoo, I bring up our usual disdain for pornography only to note that if we were ever going to get involved, it would have to be something very serious and worth everybody's time. So during the offseason, our next side project will be an adult film called The Miracle Jerker. Is it a hand-job? Is it her way of communicating? It's both!

ITEM! Continuing the crotch-related humor, Pete Rose, firm with his convictions.

ITEM! Before anything else, let's put aside the fact that the Harty Party's employer-mandated blog is called "People are Strange." That's a bouncing bundle of hilarity that deserves its own musings.

Pat's latest (and by latest I mean from last week but whatever) blogg** entry is "My vote went for Brennan," and there doesn't appear to be a single hint of irony:

I was one of the 54 people who voted for Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan to win the award. I picked Brennan because his statistics are absurb and because he led Hawaii to an undefeated regular season and to a BCS bowl game. Never in my lifetime did I think that Hawaii would qualify for a BCS bowl game.

Yes, his stats are indeed absurb [sic]. Let's look at them:

Whammy blammy wowie zowie! 55 touchdowns!

One problem: That was last year. You got prank'd! That season, Colt ended up sixth in the Heisman voting. Let's see what Colt did against the worst schedule that any I-A team faced this year.

Ehhh... not so awesome. And sure, even though his rating dropped about 20 points, a 166.3 passer rating is pretty darned good; it was third-best in the nation, after all. But who's that dude above him who was 11.6 points better?


oh, him.

The Harty Party's not done:

I picked McFadden for second and Tebow for third, mostly because Florida lost three games during the regular season. And isn't a quarterback's No. 1 responsibility to win games?

Here's a list of Tebow's three failings:

  1. Sleepwalking through the first half of Auburn game--okay, legit, but he ended up 20/27 for 201 and a TD, and 19 rushes for 75 and a TD.
  1. Allowing Les Miles to convert four 4th downs on game-winning drive.
  1. Allowing Georgia to convert 10/13 3rd downs.

In other words, ask Florida fans why they lost each of those three games, and precisely all of them will tell you it's the defense.

It's not as if we don't know the futility of parsing the work of an attention whore like Harty. We do. We're just saying that if the Heisman committee wants to re-apportion the votes in Iowa, we'd be more than happy to take Harty's.

We even almost promise not to talk about Helen Keller hand jobs in our explanatory columns afterward.

ITEM! Where did my pants go? Some devilish rodent must have chewed them off! I demand not to be fired, office supervisor!


*Stock quotes scrolling from right to left? Ohhhhhhh. So good.
**What? The word looks better with two Gs. Typing it as "blogg" is easier and marginally more cost-effective than having Guy Rucker stand next to it.

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