BHGP's Weekly Rock-Solid Amazing Wife-Stealing Bowl Projections

The Big Ten season is over, the conference's Hurry-Up-And-Wait approach again run to perfection. Sure, open-air games in December aren't exactly desirable from a fan's perspective, but, um, everyone else around here is doing it. And while the odds are slim that Ohio State would make the title game (WFVU loses, OU/UT wins Big XII championship game), it still merits mention that last year the Bucks seemed to be at a distinct disadvantage when it came to being ready to play in the title game. As long as the Big Ten keeps wrapping things up before Thanksgiving, expect that to continue.

Anyway, the standings:

Hey, Iowa's tied for fifth! That definitely means bowl games and the season can still go on and what's that "6-6" next to their conference record? ...oh.

Meanwhile, what the hell happened to Penn State last week? We knew Michigan State was just competent enough to be dangerous this year, but man, I can't imagine a rougher loss to end the Big Ten season. Um...

Here are the bowl projections:


BCS Super Fun Tortilla Chips Are A Big Deal Folks Title Game

LSU (12-1) vs. West Virginia (11-1)

It's been such a weird freaking year that there won't be an undefeated contender for the title for the first time since I don't feel like doing the research. I know, Kansas is undefeated, but not for long. They're coming up on their hardest game of the year by far. If they win it, they'll have an even tougher game in the Big XII Championship. Pardon me if I don't feel like taking a paper tiger with no history of big wins and no win against top-30 opponents. Meanwhile, WFVU, who was certainly left for dead after losing to South Florida, will almost certainly be the beneficiary of a Big XII that routinely screws its top teams by forcing them to win a extra tough game on a neutral field before their bowl for the hell of it.

 
BCS Rose/Orange/Who Cares It's A Shitload Of Money Bowl

Ohio State (11-1) vs. USC (10-2)

This will actually be a fun, fun game to watch. As we all know, OSU's entire defense is filled with raging steroid bionic freaks, whereas Pete Carroll and his men have figured out that they can go 2-2 against Oregon, ASU, Cal, and UCLA, and still play in the Grandaddy right in their backyard. Life is good for the Trojans. It's probably a game Ohio State will win; this doesn't happen to the Buckeye defense, after all.


Holes so big Phil Fulmer could rush for 115 and two scores.

Capital One Bowl Sponsored By Capital One What Is In Your Wallet Capital One Capital One Ignore Our Interest Rates Please

Illinois (9-3) vs. Tennessee (9-4)

TheZookHook: Wake up candyass!!! The Zooker is rollin!!!!
TheZookHook: You ever try ta screw a bowl of chicken noodle soup???
OPSurprise: I swear to God I'm blocking you.
TheZookHook: nowhere near as good as the chowder
TheZookHook: lol!!
OPSurprise: fuck you.
TheZookHook: say hi to your girlfriend
TheZookHook: lol
TheZookHook: aka campbell's chunky
OPSurprise: I SAID FUCK YOU


Outback Steakhouse Bowl, What Is In Your Wallet

Wisconsin (9-3) vs. Georgia (9-3)

Wisconsin's season is about what we wanted from Iowa's: winning the games they should, playing within their limitations, and completely non-threatening to the top tier of the league. And really, if Iowa takes care of business against WMU and ISU, then both teams are 8-3 outside of their game at Camp Randall. Of course, UW played OSU and Michigan on consecutive weeks while Iowa got to skip them, but let's not dwell too much on this. Meanwhile, Georgia is probably going to destroy Wisconsin. The Dawgs have a devastating running game with Knowshon Moreno, whose name cannot possibly be improved upon. The inevitable 34-13 ass-thumping that Georgia's going to be laying down means we get another off-season of "SEC SPEEEEEEEED" reminders from EDSBS and other SEC blogs.


Alamo Bowl, Which Is Ironic, Since These Games Are Forgettable As Hell

Michigan (8-4) vs. Oklahoma State (6-6)

Woe upon Michigan fans, none of whom could have possibly predicted four losses coming into the season. The Wolverines went from legitimate title contenders to Auld Lang Syneing in Ann Arbor, an unfathomable drop for a team so ridiculously loaded on offense. Now Hart, Long, Henne, and Manningham will be off to the NFL, unlikely to play together after this December. It's hard to feel sorry for young athletic men who are about to earn millions of dollars, but still--jeesh.


Champs Sports Or More Accurately Sixth Place Finishers Sports Bowl

Penn State (8-4) vs. Virginia (9-3)

Well, the Anthony Morelli era is ending about the way you would have expected it, right? Mediocre bowl, no big wins ever, and nobody outside of the Morelli family talking about him as one of the best quarterbacks in Penn State history. That's about right. All that's left now is JoePa unceremoniously finalizing Morelli's career with a bullet to the temple.


We Cannot Figure Out A More Boring Title Than Insight Bowl

Indiana (7-5) vs. Nebraska (6-6)

I hate this bowl. I hate everything about it, right down to the logo. And look, I'm not going to go all Tim Robbins in the Film Actors' Guild about it.


And the corporations are corporationy!

I just prefer that there's a slight hint of reverence for football and the pageantry of a bowl game. If the Insight Bowl were a religion, it would be greedy, untrustworthy, and wildly inauthentic. Like Scientology! And while our hearts are warmed by Indiana's resurgence and subsequent bowl bid, this just doesn't seem like it does such a great man justice. Further, though Hep was never a bad sort of guy, I prefer to remember him as more of an "Old Testament" Hep, all-powerful and crushing those who dare defy him.


FOOLS! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE! EAT FIRE AND DIE!

We hope the Champs Sports Bowl will do right and take the Hoosiers, but we're not exactly optimistic.


Motor City Eight Mile Bowl

Purdue (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (9-4)

Brian: Well, Michigan fans generally categorize bowls into:
Brian: Rose
Brian: and Not Rose.
OPS: Mind if I put UM in the Motor City Bowl in my projections then?
OPS: Seeing as how it doesn't matter and all.
Brian: Well, there is a difference between that and the Alamo.
Brian: There is a third category, I guess.
Brian: The Fucking Motor City Bowl.

...aaaand Iowa's getting passed over for it.

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