[Editor's Note: JebusHChrist couldn't be here tonight, so filling in for him is his friend Poop Socks.]
Jebus couldn't make it so I'm pinch hitting. Maybe we can make you some money this week. The thing is, JHC picks NFL games like a motherfucker. He's been like 80% accurate for the past 3 years in our pool, but here, he picks college games. I don't know why. I guess he's a dumbass. I'm not a writer but I'm a gambler, so listen to this shit that I'm about to spit.
Oh yeah, he told me to pick 3 college games but I'm a man so I picked 6 NFL games. Put your money on the teams in bold.
Cleveland @ New England (-15.5)
Forget the spread. The Patriots have covered 38 times in a row. Also, they're playing Cleveland. As long as they keep winning, Moss will be fine. Ride these bitches til the wheels come off.
Jets @ Giants (-3.5)
Donovan McNabb is still sitting on a donut after getting plowed by OC Umenora [I know this isn't a spelling test, but jesus, Poop Socks, you couldn't look the name up? It's Osi Umenyiora.--ed.] all night long on Monday. I hope Pennington has protection because he's about to get fucked. Giants will roll and Jets fans will get their wish and have Pennington hurt and their backup in. Congratulations, Assholes.
Arizona @ St. Louis (+2.5)
Seattle @ Pittsburgh (-6.5)
Seattle gets tired when they have to fly East. This game won't be fixed, like the Super Bowl was, but it won't matter. Rothlisburger [Close, but it's Roethlisberger.--ed.] won't have to do much more than hand it to Parker and throw a couple TD's to Heath Miller. I see a shutout.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-3.5)
Don't ever, ever, ever, bet on Brett Favre. The guy is about as dependable as the Dodge Omni I had in high school. The Packers are not good. They can't run the ball for shit. I don't even know who their starting running back is. That being said, Chicago is fucked up. You know you're in trouble when people are screaming for you to put Brian Griese in. This guy couldn't beat out Joe Feilder [Jay Fiedler.--ed.] for a starting job. Put a dime on Green Bay and buy yourself 10 fat hookers with the proceeds.
Dallas @ Buffalo (+10.5)
Buffalo hasn't been on Monday Night Football since before O.J. was a murderer. Dallas is good, really good, and Buffalo is bad, really bad. The Cowboys could spot them 4 TD's and still win. TO should be good for 3 TD's now that Nate Clements is in San Francisco. Buffalo might be good in 2 years, but who gives a shit.
There you go.