Big Ten Insider
Bob: Thanks for sitting down with us, Ron! You're 5-1, and you didn't just beat a Big 10 program, you beat a Top 10 program! Are you surprised?
Zooker: I'd be lying if I said I expected this. When we came here we wanted a fresh start. No one is the same surprised as Zook. And if you call me a liar I will punch you on your ear.
[Bruce mugs to camera, mockingly holds ear]
Bob: What was your gameplan for defeating a Top 5 team?
Zooker: I don't understand. Wha?
Bob: You just beat Wisconsin Badgers and Wunderkind Coach Bret Bielema this past weekend in a saucy tilt!
Zooker: I meant the "gameplan" thingee. We don't focus on things like that. [looks to concerned graduate assistant coach for help]
Bob: Keepin it close to the vest? Or should I say sweater vest?? [mugs to camera] Moving on... What's been your favorite part of coaching this season?
Zooker: The yelling... No, the golf cart. I have this hella cool golf cart and I can park it anywhere I want to. I got a ticket once and I screamed at the kid who wrote it so loud he pissed into his sock. He had emo bangs. So... that was the best part so far.
Bob: [stares blankly]
Zooker: And the shirts. Look at this thing, would ya big boy?
[holds arms out to sides, proudly displaying Nike shirt]
Looks like the Zooker's wearing floaties! Don't it?
Bob: It sure does! [idiot grin] Have you added any new traditions to the football program? No hazing, I hope!
Zooker: You got lifts in your shoes? You're about 5 foot nothing, aint ya, short stack? You may dress like Teddy Ruxpin but you smell like a French whore.
Bob: [staring, dumbfounded]
Zooker: [goes back to eating pudding cup, licks edges, belches]
Bob: Who's your favorite player? Mine's Juice, just for the name!
Zooker: [mimics in cruel singsong-y voice] Miiiiiine's Juuuuuuuuuuice!!!
Bob: Well, uh... we'll be back with more from Ron Zook after this!
(Sassy Tesh theme music rises, then fades faintly into background)
Bob: [leaning in] Now you listen to me, Mr. Zook! This is the Big Ten Network, and we have to do this! My producer is going to be ankle deep in my puppet hole if you keep making a mockery of College Football Insider! This network makes this conference a lot of money and I'm not letting you ruin this for me! Wardrobe! My collar's flustered. Fix it!!
Zooker: You might want to have them take a look at that sorry shit-filled bird's nest you call a hairstyle too, Bobbo. It smells like it looks: stupid.
Bob: What?! My hair?
Director: We're back in 5! 4! 3!
Bob: [pees himself a little bit]
(Sassy Tesh music plays the show back in)
Bob: We're back with Champaign Chuperstar Ron Zook on the Big Ten Network! We'd been discussing arguably the biggest win in school history, a 31-26 victory over #5 Wisconsin! Ron, let me ask you, if you could rename your team, would you? If so, to what? I always wished there was a Rico College. We'd be the Rico Suaves!
Zooker: Really? Because you look like a grade-A All-American mascot for SMU.
Bob: Southern Methodist? A Mustang? I don't reall--
Zooker: Sorry Motherfucker University. You wear garters?
Bob: What? No!
Zooker: Want some? I got like five pairs in my trunk.
Bob: [seething over his producer's audible, off-screen laughter] Switching gears, man to man here, Bob to Ron... do you miss Florida?
Zooker: Awwwwww man.... yeah... I could ride my jet ski to work! I'd roll in on a wave by lunch time and be done by dark. Sometimes I don't understand things. Lots of em.
Bob: Why did they fire you?
Zooker: You're fired! How do you like that, short stack. How'd you like the Zooker to set you on the countertop over there? You'd be trapped! You couldn't get down! Suck on that!
Bob: Did you choose Illinois for the colors, a sort of way to mold them into what you always wished Florida was to you? I know that after my last bad breakup, I would only see women with the same hair color and complexion. I think it keeps me in a comfort zone!
Zooker: CAN SOMEONE TURN THESE LIGHTS OFF?? You're harshin the Zooks mellow! Stop harshin the ZOOKSTER! arrghhhhh..... I am sooooo burnt. I'm so scared!
Bob: Would you take Florida back? Not that you should go crawling back, but if she--if they were all, "oh, you were a lot better to us than most guys," would you have the heart to do it? Would you right their wrong?
Zooker: Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there...
Bob: [flabbergasted, a single tear spills down his cheek from his non-surgified left eye] That's... beautiful. [voice cracks] Where did you hear that?
Zooker: P.F. Chang's.
Bob: Delicious food AND worldly truths! I'm going there tonight!
[ridiculous graphic montage]
Bob: It's time for our You Make The Question segment! We received this question from an Internet surfer who goes by TheHamSandwich420. He writes:
How in the hell do you move the ball with a quarterback who can't throw? Why do teams even bother putting safeties on the field? Is Juice Williams the next Reggie Ball, or is that a gross insult to Reggie Ball? Why are Illinois fans universally obnoxious?Don't you wish it was warmer in Illinois?
Zooker: The Zooker had a turtle as a boy. Not a small one, a big one, about the size of a fat man's bladder. I don't remember his name, isn't that weird? But I do remember that he smelled like a Panda's breath, and Fritos. I took good care of him too. I talked to him all the time. I even let him watch All in the Family with me! Took a beatin' from pop when he came home to find Beanie... HA! Beanie! That was his name! Beanie liked to sleep on my bottom bunk. I always slept on the top. I don't know why I had bunk beds? I think that's why I like Asians so much. They sleep in those little drawers on trains. When I'm in the Asia I like to go around late at night from drawer to drawer and open em rill slow and try to smell them as hard as I can before they wake up. Man you should see how scared they are when they open them eyes and they see the Zooker lookin' down at 'em. I yell "Bonzai!" and close the drawers real fast and move on. So one night around bed time in the summer of the Zooker's 7th year, I climbed up to the top bunk, pulled back the covers, and found Beanie there. Dead. His little head was stickin' outta his shell and he had the funniest look on his face. Like he'd been reading The Family Circus or somethin'. Well, it scared the bejeesus outta the Zooker. I flew outta that top bunk and never went back. That's why my hair's white, on account a that dead turtle in my bunk bed.
Bob: Out-standing! That's all the time we've got on the Big Ten Network's College Football Insider! With Ron Zook, I'm Bob Bruce! Stay tuned for men's swimming, where Penn State takes on Ohio State! O-S-U kidding me!
Zooker: [stands up, bellows, and pisses on Bruce's slacks]
(Sassy Tesh music plays and fades out.)